HAMILTONS, TheLions Gate

“What does it mean to be happy? To be content in the world around you? Mom used to say it was family. That family was the heart of everything, even existence. Without it, there’s nothing. She would always have these simple answers that somehow would sound so brilliant…”

The Hamiltons seem to be the picture-perfect American family. They are hardworking community members; giving to their local charities, attending town hall meetings and always respectful of their neighbors…except for the fact that they usually end up killing them.

It’s been said that the best and easiest way to start off a review articles is to trot out a tired, overused but apt cliche’.  So, here is the cliche’ I’m tossing out to start off this movie review:

Blood is thicker than water.  Especially since the family featured in The Hamiltons are vampires.  So that should make that particular cliche’ even more…what’s that?  I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to tone down the vulgarities for me to understand you.  Hum?

“Spoiler alerts”?  Screw the spoiler alerts.  The Hamiltons are a family of vampires.  Only, instead of coming out and saying it, the movie takes roughly 90 minutes to do so, throwing out enough teenage angst, red herrings, and subtle-as-a-brick hints to their true nature, you can’t help but guess the big twist ending within 30 minutes of starting the film.  Then you have no other choice than to sit through the rest of it, wondering when this angsty teenage drama disguised as an old Twilight Zone episode stretched out to a feature-length film will just get to it and end already.  Acting is melodramatic, and there’s not much else to say other than, “well, it was a movie.  It had a beginning, a middle, AND an end.”  Eh, pass.