The_Amityville_Horror_posterPlatinum Dunes
2005
R

“Houses don’t kill people.  People kill people.”

Platinum Dunes is a production company that seems to exist for one reason: remaking horror movies.  Not too surprising, the guys responsible for this happen to be Michael Bay and Brad Fuller; and while a cursory glance over Brad Fuller’s filmography reveals nothing I’m familiar with outside Platinum Dunes, Michael Bay continues to rape my childhood by way of the Transformers movies.  So it would make sense why this entity exists…and why almost everything the production company has churned out have been remakes.

*sigh* Anyway, The Amityville Horror is the second movie remade and released by Platinum Dunes, behind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  And unlike The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I didn’t really care for The Amityville Horror to begin with.  I did read the 1977 book by Jay Anson, an old paperback edition, but even at age 14 the whole “true story” hype was stretching credulity a bit thin.  I’ve never seen any of the original movies, not even that made-for-television movie from 1989.  Tell the truth, the only reason I rented this remake once it hit the Discount Rental rack was the thought, “eh, why not?”  Go into the remake unswayed by the original.  Besides, nothing’s more amusing than a movie from 2005 trying to convincingly pull off the 1970s.

So, we come into things with a crazy guy offing his family and then himself due to the Voices.  Well, he claims they were coming from the house itself, but I know they were emanating from his Rice Krispies.  Later, George and Kathy Lutz buy the house despite being informed of the previous grizzly murders, and they and Kathy’s three children move in.  What follows is 23 days of wackiness, including supernatural phenomenon, ghosts, and insanity.  And Ryan Reynolds doing his best imitation of the Brawny Paper Towels mascot.

Overall, I kind of enjoyed this Amityville Horror remake.  Most of this I’m sure is due to never having seen the original 1979 version.  It’s your standard malevolent haunted house tale that has some pretty good special effects, some effective atmospherics and a pretty good job from the overall cast.  Of course, the best parts start happening once George Lutz starts going kaka kookoo, and Reynolds pulls off the downward spiral into insanity pretty well.  Lying heavily on the negatives side, is the fact that the whole “quick cut” style is utilized a bit much and an audio track that will blast you back into the nosebleeds if you’re not too careful, like they’ve mistaken this for a music video for a bunch of ADHD riddled kids.  As horror movies go, The Amityville Horror 2005 version is more of a McRib value meal, without the large sizing.  It’ll satisfy, but you know in the back of your head that’s not really “meat” meat, and chances are you’ll think nothing of it after consumption.  Eh, maybe worth a rental.  Probably with the original, for comparison reasons.  Maybe.