are you scared 2Lions Gate Films
2009
R

“I just wanna take you to paradise, sugar…”

Dallas, Andrew, his girlfriend Taryn and Reese compose of the DNA Team in an Internet game where the objective is to find treasures in hidden caches. While searching the last treasure to beat the game’s record score, they are chased by two psychopaths controlled by the sick owner of an underground site that is filming their movements and they have to fight to survive.

A few years ago, Lionsgate gave us Are You Scared?, a rather lame direct-to-video Saw rip-off that came close to achieving a level of bad-in-a-bad-way that was set by the dreck the Asylum movies made. Years later – 2009 to be exact – Lionsgate somehow felt that the horror populace were clamoring for a sequel, and thus gave us another direct-to-video misfire that, somehow, is even worse than the first movie. Didn’t think it was possible, but yes. Are You Scared 2 sucks even worse than the first entry.

I realize that one would ask why, if the first movie was so bad, did I go and rent the sequel? Really, it wasn’t from some false hope that this one would be better. No, the sole reason behind me renting this DVD was because it was in the 2-For-A-Dollar rental section at the video place I frequent. And since I’m apparently masochistic on a subconscious level, I figured it couldn’t be as bad as the first one. This despite my inner Bad Movie Alert going off the charts. I gotta stop ignoring that.

Anyway, the movie itself turns out to be a sequel in name only. Little Internet digging revealed that Are You Scared 2 was originally a stand-alone original movie with a different name, until Lionsgate decided to buy it and distribute it as a sequel to Are You Scared? And try as I might, no amount of Internet sleuthing would explain the logic behind that movie.

So what we got here is a sequel that has no ties to the first movie. There’s not even a mention or allusion to it. Usually when a studio co-opts a movie like that, at least there would be minor tweaking to tie things in, like what they did with American Psycho 2.

Maybe you’re sitting there, reading this review thinking, “Co’mon, Uncle NecRo. It can’t be as bad as you’re saying it is.” YES IT IS. There are so many things that inflicted pain on me while watching this. Usually while watching bad horror movies like this, there comes a point where my brain tells me “Have fun,” and then goes off to play Minesweeper or something while I sit it out. With Are You Scared 2, that point came around 20 minutes in. Considering this is a 90 minute movie, that’s not a good sign.

Now, before bogging you down with the further ranting I plan to do to purge this crud from my head, let me point out the one good thing I liked about this movie – the cinematography. Really, it was very nicely shot, and stylish. But, as we all know, having a good shot movie doesn’t carry things.

As for what makes Are You Scared 2 an excruciating 90 minute crapfest: Well, first off, the four main protaganists consist of two d-bags and their vapid princess girlfriends, so there was, right off the bat, nothing here for me to connect with the characters – even a tiny bit. There was little by way of character development, and the insipid dialogue and crappy acting just made me start rooting for their slow and painful deaths ten minutes into things, here.

Problem is, once they finally get around to running into their “doom”, it turns out to be a couple of hillbilly types – one the good ol’ boy “you gots a purdy mouth” variety, and the other a large silent type in what was referred to as a homemade Lordi mask in the review on Dread Central. I find that to be the perfect description, so I ganked it here. Besides, I doubt the esteemed Foywonder knows of this blog o’ mine. Anyway, after running into this dynamic duo, and only one of the four seemingly bumped off, the rest of these pretty kids do some more running around and…well, that’s about it.

But the biggest insult in this film is Tony “I needed the money” Todd as the mastermind behind this “game” of his. Wasted potential. All you see him do is sit behind a video editing console, spouting…okay, mumbling a lot of nonsensical stuff that, I guess, the writers thought made him sound crazy and menacing. Along with shots of him codling his pet turtle and, um, playing with an Etch-A-Sketch…yeah, nothing says “I’m an insane evil mastermind!” quite like making goofy noises to a turtle and doodling scribbles on a toy.

Okay, I just got a flash of Dr. Evil from Austin Powers asking, “Was it an evil Etch-A-Sketch?” I got to wrap this thing up quickly…

By the time I got to the end of Are You Scared 2 – and yes, I did manage to power through, when lesser fanboys would have slipped into a coma – I was well into lamenting wasting the fifty cents used to rent this thing. Just, take it from me…avoid this movie at all costs. Pass with extreme prejudice…

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