dracula 3000Pyramid Home Video
2004
R

“Man, this ship ain’t nothin’ but a big-ass hearse, that what this is.”

In the year 2999, a salvage crew come across a 50-year-old cargo ship floating in the Carpathian system. After coming on board for a little look-see, their resident hookah pipe-smoking crew member inadvertently awakens the remains of one Count Orlock, a surviving member of the all-vampire planet of Transylvania. That’s all you really need to know at this point…

After watching this straight-to-DVD debacle, I am more convinced than ever that, given time, someone’s going to come up with the bright idea to stick all of the past horror monsters in space. Not that it’s necessarily a good thing, mind you. While Jason X played up its campy edge to give us a halfway decent slasher romp, there’s also been Leprechaun In Space, and now this. And both aren’t what you’d call quality cheese.

The tag line for this misfire was “In space, the sun never rises.” Yeah. It really should have been, “In space, no one can hear you suck.” You see what I did there? I took the classic tag from Alien, and made it pertain to both the vampire’s method of dining and the downright awfulness of this movie. Am I a genius or what? Anyway, there are many instances here that made me convulse in sheer pain:

– The characters that seem to be “coincidentally” named after characters from Stoker’s novel: Captain Van Helsing? Mina Murry? C’mon. Every time there’s an update on the Dracula mythos, there seems to be a need to throw in a Van Helsing in one form or another. ENOUGH! Please, quit raping the classics…

– The cast just annoyed the earwax out of me. Aside from Casper Van Dien (who obviously needed a paycheck) as Van Helsing, there’s Tom “Tiny” Lister Jr., whom some of you wrestling geeks may remember as Zeus in the late 80s, as the typical meat-headed muscle. Alexandra Kamp as Mina Murry was wasted, as she just seemed to be thrown in just to have another tie-in to the novel. But, collectively, all of the characters put together couldn’t add up to the great annoyance that was Coolio, who stretches his acting abilities to play…a stoner urban crew member who runs his mouth off and is constantly looking for something to smoke. Yeah, that’s never been utilized in a movie before…

Add to that the horrible dialogue, the unbelievable plot points (apparently, everyone’s a Communist in the future, and have no idea what vampires are), and the obvious rips from both the Alien movies and the soft-core sci-fi Femalien all in one character (Captain Varna, who we discover is not only an android, but used to be a Pleasure Bot back in the day), and a script that doesn’t know which way its going…and the fact that the Dracula character is only seen in a couple of scenes…gaah…kill me for renting this crap…stay away…stay far, far away…