What Your Drink Order Says About YouI already know a lot about you just by listening to your drink order. Here are a few harsh and unfair generalizations.

Tap Water
You probably just finished hiking or doing some sort of outdoor activity. You’d prefer the waiter to just fill up your Nalgene, but since health regulations won’t allow it, you’ll settle for the glass. If you find a curly hair in your food, you simply move it to the side and keep eating. If it were socially acceptable, you’d pee in the parking lot on the way to your Subaru Outback (to prevent backtracking). You still don’t own a cell phone.

Water with Lemon
You wouldn’t dare taint your palate with regular water. This teaspoon-sized lemon squirt makes you feel better about yourself, and better than that imbecile (mentioned above) who went lemon-less. If you’re a man, your shirt is currently tucked in. If you’re a woman, you’re wearing lip gloss and drinking from a straw. You swear you can tell the difference between Dasani and Aquafina.

Diet Coke
The word “diet” gives you the same warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you see “No Trans Fat!” printed on a pizza box. It doesn’t feel healthy, but you’re certain it has to be. You tell people it tastes better than The Real Thing, but deep down you know you’re lying to yourself. You love 100-calorie snack packs and Reduced Fat Wheat Thins. You own a Gazelle.

Half Diet, Half Regular
You get what you want, when you want it. You’re convinced Coke “got it all wrong” and that you’ve found the perfect blend. Little do you know, you’re drinking 49% diet, 49% regular, and 2% snot rocket from the waiter who is tired of high-maintenance people like you. You’re pissed when your maid doesn’t put enough starch in your pleated khakis. Everyone is well aware of where you stand politically.

Fanta Orange
You’re still at kid at heart. You request a bendy straw, even though you’re in the middle of a meeting with your financial advisor trying to learn the meaning of interest. Your ABC gum is stored on the corner of your plate for later. You spend two-thirds of your day at work with Oreos caked in the corners of your mouth. You play World of Warcraft and are acting commissioner in a fantasy league for Madden ’10.

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