You might be Goth if...1. You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit

2. You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night

3. You won’t get in a fight because it might smudge your make up

4. You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face

5. People can’t tell whether you’re searching for a missing contact or dancing

6. The only day you feel normal is Halloween

7. You don’t know whether the person you’re sleeping with is male or female until you’re actually in bed with them

8. You don’t care

9. The shade of powder you wear is called “Sheet Of Paper”

10. You were rooting for the vampires in “From Dusk Til Dawn”, “Lost Boys”, etc.

11. The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child

12. You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count

13. You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer

14. You go to Denny’s at 5 in the morning and think, “These are my people”

15. You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones

16. You think anything dead is pretty

17. You refer to your age in mortal years

18. You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady

19. You know what a Malkavian is

20. You know what a Malkavian is because you’ve been there, done that

21. You have the t-shirt

22. You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year

23. You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years

24. The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called “The Vampire’s Kiss”

25. You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose

26. You think blood is “pretty”

27. Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years

28. You’ve willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery

29. You own 16 or more Cleopatra C.D.’s

30. You own even 1 Projekt C.D.

31. Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day

32. You can’t decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier

33. You decide Wednesday blows them both away

34. You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store

35. You could spend all $500 on just make up

36. You were disappointed to find out that “American Gothic” is a portrait of two farmers

37. You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours

38. You own a hearse

39. You own a hearse and don’t work in a funeral parlor

40. You keep a coffin in the back as “decoration”

41. You keep a coffin in the back as a bed

42. You think of the hearse as the “family car”

43. You think heresy is a religion

44. You claim heresy as YOUR religion

45. You own a rosary that you wear

46. You own many rosaries that you wear

47. You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your car

48. You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that’s been dead over 2000 years

49. You wish to name your first born Lestat

50. You plan to name your first born after ANY Anne Rice character

51. You didn’t know they were characters

52. Your purse is large, square and metal

53. The purse has scratches from being used in a fight

54. It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor

55. This is the reason it was scratched in a fight

56. You think bats are “cute”

57. You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires

58. You can debate both sides of that argument

59. You’ve participated in one of those “Do you think Tom Cruise was good as Lestat?” conversations

60. You’ve started one of those conversations

61. If you saw Valor on the street, you would throw your large, metal purse at him

62. You and your friends enjoy congregating in a local graveyard

63. No one you know is buried there

64. You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards

65. You take pictures of the gravestones while reciting Oscar Wylde or singing “Cemetery Gates” by The Smiths

66. You know the words to “Cemetery Gates” by The Smiths

67. You know who The Smiths are

68. Your favorite poem is “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe

69. Your favorite poem is “Metamorphosis of a Vampire” by Charles Baudelaire

70. You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre

71. Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don’t stick out the way they used to

72. Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does

73. You refer to others as “The Normals”

74. You refer to our leather-clad brethren as “Those Industrialites” or “Industrial-heads”

75. You go to South Beach, but have never seen the ocean

76. You can reminisce through all 4 locations of The Kitchen Club and 2 of The Church

77. You put on The Wake and practice dancing in front of the mirror

78. You practice with your own personal strobe AND blacklight

79. You are too poor to afford either and stole the lights off the Christmas tree

80. You can’t even tell whether you’re looking for a missing contact or dancing

81. You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band

82. When someone else “discovers” you’re favorite band, you find another favorite band

83. Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

84. Jehovah’s Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

85. You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street

86. Satanists just look at you and smile

87. You laugh hysterically during those Church Of Latter-Day Saints commercials

88. You call for the free Bible anyway

89. You take great pleasure in vandalizing said Bible after waiting impatiently by your mailbox for 4-6 weeks

90. You stop vandalizing the Bible momentarily to look up Psalm 69

91. In your honest opinion, the image of Jesus ruins the beauty and natural fluidity of the cross

92. You’ve been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up

93. You and your boyfriend fight over make up

94. You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up

95. You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith

96. You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them

97. You save them because Hey!…they’re limited edition

98. You call them goth-tarts

99. You know what Renfield’s Disease is

100. You have Renfield’s Disease

101. You have taken anything on this list personally

102. You were offended

::END TRANSMISSION::

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