c me danceUplifting Entertainment
2009
PG

“I know this sounds weird Sheri, but it’s as if God has chosen you. And if that’s the truth, man this is going to tick off the Devil.”

C ME Dance is the story of a teenage girl, Sheri, who has trained her entire life to dance for the Pittsburgh Ballet. At 17 years of age, her dream comes true, until she finds out that she is dying of cancer. One night after extensive prayer by Sheri and her father, Vince, while asking God for strength and clarity, a miracle happens: Sheri discovers she is able to bring people to Christ effortlessly. The devil finds out and tries to intervene. He manifests and comes to earth-let the thrill ride begin!

I have to come out and admit it: watching C Me Dance has left me speechless. After watching this movie, I am left completely baffled as to what I can actually say that would describe this movie to you, tender readers, and do it justice. The best way I can actually do so is to run my finger up and down my lips rapidly, making that “B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B” noise to signify that I have just watched something so inanely nonsensical that my brain finally went “that’s it, screw you guys, I’m headed to my Happy Place” partway through in an effort to maintain sanity. It happens more times than I care to admit, when it comes to watching movies. But, I’m going to give it my best shot, as a dedicated pseudo journalist, to convey to you the pain I experienced while watching this movie.

We begin the movie with a lady being chased down by a rogue semi truck. Why she’s being chased by said semi is never explained; later on in the movie, it’s said in a throwaway line that the truck was out of control because of a flat tire, but that’s not how that works. Come to think of it, if there was a homicidal, maybe even demon-possessed truck driver bent on the destruction of the family for whatever dark secrets the father was hiding, then this would have been an slightly interesting movie. Lost potential, there. Anyway, there’s a baby on board, and when the car goes up in a spectacular fireball ‘sposion, the kid somehow survives unscathed. Fast forward 17 years or so, and little Sheri is a teenager who just wants to dance and hang out (presumably in that order) and fulfills her life-long dream of joining the Pittsburgh Ballet Theater. Only, faster than you can say “hackneyed plot contrivance”, she also soon thereafter is diagnosed with a rare blood disease of nondescript. This causes her to spiral into a…well, not so much a depression-fueled rage against God and her dad, and more of a whiny hissy fit. Meanwhile, her dad is agonizing over the prospect of losing his daughter, and prays for her to not stray from God. To which God apparently responds to by gifting Sheri with the ability to convert anyone to Christ Jesus just by making physical contact with them. Because apparently that’s a thing that can happen, despite never hearing about anything like that in my over twenty-five years as a Christian myself. Five of those involved with a Charismatic Pentecostal denomination, if that tells you anything. Anyway, this horks off Satan like none other, so he sends guys in trench coats to…walk around and look all menacing and stuff. I guess. Of course, this doesn’t stop Sheri’s supernatural ministry of taking everyone on a feels trip (see what I did there?). Then she dies at Christmas from the nondescript rare blood disease. The end.

Okay, so apparently I was able to find the words to use in this review. I have to ask, though: Which is worse? The fact that this movie was made, or the fact that this movie was given an actual theatrical release? It was in 150 theaters, mind you, but that was 149 more than The Crow: Wicked Prayer was released to. And while that movie was bad, at least it was a well-made bad movie, when compared to C Me Dance.

Watching C Me Dance is insulting on soooooooo many levels, I don’t even know where to begin. How about the script and acting that would make Tommy Wiseau cringe in embarrassment? How about the numerous leaps of logic in the story that could clear tall buildings in a single bound? Or how about the fact that the guy responsible for this holy mess—writer, director, producer and star Greg Robbins—actually got his start as an actor, and perusing his IMDB page shows us he’s been involved with movies like the original Terminator and Re-Animator. Meaning, he knew what he was doing; this wasn’t a case of a well-meaning yet inexperienced Christian deciding to make a movie with a message despite their lack of talent. Greg Robbins knew better, and yet he went ahead and did it anyway. But no…all of that pales to the fact that, for whatever bewildering reason, several Christian sites and reviews actually praises C Me Dance as a quality movie to use as an outreach, and anyone who disagrees is anti-Christian and should keep our destining opinions to ourselves. In short, movies like C Me Dance happen because we let them happen.

Well, now. Writing this was actually kind of cathartic. Still, did not enjoy having to conjurer up the memory of this movie just to write this. In short, C Me Dance is an embarrassing redefinition of the term “ham-fisted Christian propaganda disguised as entertainment”, and should be watched only by those whose taste in bad movies border on self-flagellation.

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