We are now in full Holiday Clusterbomb Season, and now the Christmas songs are nigh-unavoidable. Here I am, sitting in my favorite Irish pub, listening to the Christmas mix playing overhead from the owner’s Spotify account, and since I have nothing better to write about at the moment, I thought I’d share with all of you wonderful freaks of mine my least favorite Christmas songs that I always stumble upon, despite my best efforts to block out the real world.
I kept things down to a cozy ten-ish, because I have to have something for next year…
10. “Happy Christmas”
…as an artist, John Lennon was overrated, as was that group he was in, the name of which escapes me at the moment. This particular Christmas song of his manages to be a smug passive aggressive lump of coal.
9. “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
…I think that, by now, everyone who hears this overplayed tune can recognize it for the creepy date rape-y song it is. I used to think nothing of it, kind of regulating it to barely noticed background noise, until someone said something about the lyrics, and now I can’t not hear it.
8. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”
…this song was funny the first 500 or so times I heard it. I was also 10 when that happened. While I am fascinated by how long this ode to Seasonal Matricide has survived since being first released, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t roll my eyes and sigh whenever this comes on.
7. “Feliz Navidad”
…NO. Just…NO. I’ve never liked this song, I will cross my arms and give you Extreme Grumpy Face if you try and get me to sing along to it, and I find it a pity that it’s normally associated with the greatest Christmas-themed foodstuff ever concocted, Nachos Navidad from Taco John’s. Gad’s those are tasty.
6. “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time”
…as much as I snarkily deride John Lennon, at least he wasn’t Paul McCartney. I can’t really think of a song of his that doesn’t suck the life force out of me when it begins playing. And this Christmas ditty is the equivalent of one of those glossy custom Christmas photo postcards, only in song form.
5. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
…okay, let’s look past the fact that this is yet another smarmy star-studded guilt trip disguised as “social awareness” (the 80s was lousy with them); the children being referenced here technically live in a Muslim country, so even if they did know it was Christmas, chances are they wouldn’t be celebrating it anyway.
4. “Christmas Shoes”
…so, I finally forced myself to listen to this song, having been able to avoid doing so for all this time. And I have to say, how do you people live with yourselves? Why would you all think “Christmas Shoes” is a modern classic, when all it is is a nauseating fluff piece based on the doctrine of Sola Feels? I will admit, though, that I like to imagine the mother in this story, with her final dying breath, telling her child, “I wanted a necklace,” before dying. Followed by the standard “Wah-wah-waaaaaaah” trombone.
3. “Mary Did You Know?”
…speaking of overplayed so-called modern “classics”, I’m not content to just turn the channel on the radio whenever this one comes on, but I must go beyond that and turn off the power to said device all together, then smash it with a hammer and burn the pieces, for it was rendered unclean and had to be purged.
2. “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”
…I want to stab this song repeatedly with several large sharpened candy cane shivs, set the corpse on fire, and roast chestnuts over it whilst drinking eggnog.
1. [TIE] “Chipmunks Christmas Song”/”All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”
…I couldn’t decide which one of these old novelty songs were more annoying, so I decided to end with a tie. Released back when my own parents were wee children, these two songs are always trotted out and played ad nausium on all radio stations doing a Christmas mix for the season. Mind you, they’re only marginally worse to listen to than the Number 2 spot on this list, but somehow I get extra twitchy whenever these come on, and I find myself diving for the OFF switch on whatever device they’re emanating from.
So, there it is. The songs that make me more of a Scrooge whenever they pop up. There will be more for next year, I’m sure. In the meantime, feel free to send your thinly-veiled hate mail to email@example.com. Cheers, all, and Merry Christmas, if I don’t get around to posting another thing until the end of the year.