movie-review-satanicMagnet Releasing
2016
R

We kicked her out because she was too hardcore, even for us.

Satanic follows a van full of young, college-aged coeds who are visiting old Sataic Panic-era sites in Los Angeles. They end up following the creepy owner of an occult store home, only to find themselves saving a suspicious girl from n apparent human sacrifice. Only this “victim” turns out to be much more dangerous than the cult from which she escaped.

When it comes to horror movies, the fact that a movie has been held back from their original release date doesn’t necessarily mean that it turns out to be a bad movie. Several have been held back by the studios for whatever reason and then released direct to video, only to turn out to be gems of the horror genre.

Satanic is not one of those movies.

Originally slated for release in September of 2015, the movie itself was held back for over a year before being released directly to video. I would have never heard about this movie, had I not been bored one afternoon and was perusing the New Releases section of the Family Video website for some new horror to check out. What can I say, the DVD cover and the gutsy use of such a cheesy title intrigued me.

As it turns out, much to the surprise to no one (especially me), Satanic is a mediocre horror movie at best. I can’t say it was the worst modern horror movie I’ve seen this decade (and I haven’t even watched Unfriended yet), mostly due to it at least trying to do something. Still, that doesn’t add up to much in this hour-and-24-minute run time.

Anyway, Satanic is your standard Idiot Kids Doing Idiot Things Because Their Idiots That Gets Them Stalked And Slashed By Unknown Forces kind of movie. Once again I found myself rooting for their demise a mere five minutes into the movie itself. While doing their idiot things, they eventually run afoul of a Satanic Cult, lead by a Michael Barryman enthusiast, save a girl from what they think is a sacrifice (turns out she was being excommunicated because she was “too hardcore”…see above quote), take her back to their hotel room, only to have her summon a doorway into the afterlife and slit her own throat in the process. The kids suddenly find themselves stalked by some unknown and unseen force that wants to…I don’t, do something bad to them? Something?

You see, the operative word in that last sentence was “unseen”, because for the majority of the time, anything happening in this movie in terms of horror happens off screen. Mostly, you see the Idiots Four walking into and reacting to the things that they hear off screen, in another room or whatnot. Then they dash off into another sceen where, surprise, they see the aftermath of something weird that had happened, but not the thing itself. Rather frustrating from a this point of view, here.

This keeps going on until they find themselves all inside an abandoned warehouse and start getting killed off one by one. All off-screen. With hardly any gore or, you know, bodies to see. Then the last ten minutes insults your intelligence with a twist that worked in a much better executed movie than this. The End.

Satanic played like the end result of a movie that was made by someone who only watched CW teen drama shows as his source of inspiration to become a horror movie maker. And possibly typed the script using various emoji’s. Again, Satanic tried to be an actual movie, so I’ll give it points for that. But, only a couple. Otherwise, give this one a pass.

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