CHRISTIAN PICKUP LINES (With Snarky Commentary)

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valentines daySo, today is a special day. It just so happens to be Valentine’s Day, as well as Ash Wednesday. And what better way to celebrate not only the manufactured “holiday of love” but also kick off the Lent season, by looking up some truly bad Christian pick-up lines? With some added commentary by your Uncle NecRo, because I care so much…

  • You float my ark.

…as euphemisms go, that one is pretty lame. Also, ew.

  • Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives…because he never met you.

…also, he’s been dead for a few thousand years.

  • Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you?

…I imagine this one is usually followed by several minutes of awkward silence as she stares a hole into his forehead.

  • So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and I realized…I don’t have yours!

…try as I might, I cannot follow the logic that came to this conclusion.

  • I didnt believe in predestination until I met you tonight.

…ironically, the lady that just turned this man into an unwavering Calvinist was an Arminian.

  • The Word says ‘Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry’…how about dinner?

…why do I get the feeling he’s going to treat her to Chick-Fil-A if she does agree?

  • My spiritual gift is my good looks…it lifts people’s spirits.

…charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30. Mic drop.

  • I went on a beach mission but all I ended up doing was mission you.

…also, I was chewed up by sand fleas, and seagulls kept dropping fish on me.

  • Is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing.

…followed immediately with, “OW, OW, MY EYES!”

  • I put the “stud” in Bible Study.

…what a coincidence, because I happen to put the “fun” in funeral.

  • I’m not Joseph…perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I’ve been having about you?

…well, the restraining order represents the restraining order I’m taking out against you.

  • As Christians, shouldn’t we honor all Scripture? Let’s start with 2 Corinthians 13:12.

…or, how about 1 Timothy 5:1b-2?

  • Let me sell you an indulgence because it’s a sin to look as good as you do.

…I presume that the lady in question immediately nailed a copy of Luther’s 95 Thesis to the gentlemen’s forehead after that?

  • Do you need prayer? Because I’m certainly willing to lay hands on you.

…I’m willing to bet that this guy has known the fluoride sting of pepper spray more than once in his life.

  • You are perfect, except with all the sin.

…I’ve got nothing for this one. Just…wow.

  • Wanna come over and watch Left Behind?

…are we talking the original, or the Nicholas Cage remake? Because there’s only one I’d say “yes” to, personally.

  • You… complete me. That is, after Jesus completes me. You’re like the gluten in my communion bread.

…wow. A Jerry McGuire quote, a Jesus Juke, and comparison to food in one awkward shot. Truly a man after God’s own heart, here, ladies.

  • I have familiarized myself with all 5 love languages, in fact, I invented 4 of them.

…and I’m willing to bet she’s about to come up with a sixth language all together.

  • I’d marry Leah if it meant I’d also get to marry you.

…because every woman dreams of the day when the man who married your sister out of dubious trickery will make them his second wife. Maybe they can get a reality show out of the deal.

  • Don’t walk away, babe. You may not think I’m perfect but Jesus thinks I’m to die for.

…well, at least there’s that.




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cloverfield paradoxNetflix

“What are you talking about, arm?”

For the past couple of years, we’ve been teased the third entry in the unorthodox yet rather interesting Cloverfield movie series. I’ve known that the movie was originally titled The God Particle, and was reworked by J. J. Abrams into an up-to-now unnamed Cloverfield sequel. I was rather excited for it. Also, we were supposed to get it last year in the theaters. But, due to continual tweaking, the movie’s release was delayed more than once, until finally word came that Paramount was going to drop this off with Netflix, to be released on the streaming site. Not that was a bad sign as to the quality of the movie was going to be; but the delays and then the studio not seeming to want anything to do with it…well, I was starting to have doubts that this was going to be worth my time.

Finally, the new Cloverfield movie was released. On Netflix, immediately after the Superb Owl*, now with an actual official title: The Cloverfield Paradox. Since I don’t have a Netflix subscription, it took me a few days longer to get to watch The Cloverfield Paradox, so I got to take in the waves of negative reviews that this movie got in the meantime. Lovely. So at this point, this was either the worst movie ever made, or perhaps we just live in a time where everyone wants to hate everything now. Fortunately, masses of negative reviews have never stopped me before (sometimes, they even enhance my desire to watch something), and I finally got a chance to take in the third entry in the Cloverfield series.

Here there be spoilers beyond, be ye warned. Yar.

So, what The Cloverfield Paradox is about, we’re given a glimpse of a future where our fossil fuels have all but dried up, and humanity is facing an energy crisis complete with massive gas shortages and regular blackouts to conserve what little energy we have left. In an effort to create a cleaner, more sustainable energy source for all, the world space agencies prepare the testing of what is known as the Shepherd, kind of a particle accelerator aboard the orbiting Cloverfield Station, that is supposed to do just that. Though, frankly, I don’t know exactly how that works, but what do I know of science, really? Anyway, after two years of attempts, they finally manage to get it to work…which results in a massive surge that, when the smoke clears, leaves the scientists on board to realize that, somehow, they’ve misplaced the Earth. That’s never good. Also, a critical component in making eveything work properly is also missing. And there’s a mysterious woman who appears in the wall of the station, that no one has seen before, but she insists on being a crew member. And it just gets weirder from their, folks, as crew members begin to go a bit on the insane side of things, objects that have gone missing begin to be found in the oddest of places, and it seems the ship may be trying to kill them. Or eat them, at least with one guy. Then they find the Earth on the other side of the Sun, and realize soon thereafter that they’re all in a parallel universe, where Germany is once again up to their old warmongering tricks, and that universe’s Cloverfield Station crashed into the ocean and killed everyone except that lady that appeared on what I’m going to call the Cloverfield Prime station for clarification purposes. Stupid string theory. Anyway, after some near misses with death, they manage to hatch a plan to get back to their Prime Universe, but then Alternate Universe lady sabotages things for her own plans, but then she’s thwarted, and Prime Cloverfield Station makes it back to their universe, where they fire up the Shepherd and the two surviving scientists hop a pod and head back to Earth…only things there haven’t really been the same since they first disappeared. The end.

As far as the movie goes, I enjoyed The Cloverfield Paradox. In this instance, I think Paramount was right in letting Netflix handle the distribution, as this doesn’t feel quite as fully baked as the first two movies were, and had I saw this in the theater, I would have probably been a bit more persnickity about it. As a movie itself, The Cloverfield Paradox goes down the same path as movies like Event Horizon, Life and Sunshine have done before, while you can tell the bits that tie things into the Cloverfield movie universe were kind of shoehorned in haphazardly. As it stands, The Cloverfield Paradox feels like a rather elaborate and high-budget pilot for a sci-fi anthology television show, rather than a fully formed Cloverfield movie. Which is to say, it isn’t bad, but it’s definitely not up to par with the other two. If you have Netflix, it’s very much worth the watch. If you don’t, The Cloverfield Paradox won’t be the movie that will convince you to sign up for Netflix. But, if you have a friend with Netflix, it’s worth checking out.

[*= basically, my way of avoiding lawsuits with the NFL for usage of a copyrighted phrase]

This Is My Shocked And Appalled Face…

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Hey, everyone! Stryper is set to release a new album this April! Here’s the album title and artwork!

stryper - god damn evil

It’s the follow-up to 2015’s excellent Fallen, and is the first to feature their new bass player, former Firehouse member Perry Richardson (that hair, man).

Yeah…nobody cares about that part. What seems to have everyone talking is that title they went with. Lots and lots of people within the various Christian rock and metal pages on Facebook are up in arms, loosing their minds over this album title. They’ve gone too far! seems to be the rallying cry.

Seriously, you are all acting like Stryper’s never courted controversy before.

Now, let’s just say, for sake of argument, all of these people flipping out over the album title (that’s some rather awesome artwork, I want to point out) have just came into being Stryper fans in the last decade or so, and aren’t familiar with their work from the first decade of Stryper’s existence. You know, pulling the ol’ “It was from before I was born” excuse. So, let’s review, shall we? History lesson time, kiddos…

Let’s start with their very first release, The Yellow And Black Attack

yellow and black attack 86

No no no, not that one. That’s the 1986 re-released version Enigma put out after realizing Stryper could make them money. No, I’m talking about the original 1984 release…

yellow and black attack

You see that? A mysterious, glowing blue hand guiding a bunch of ballistic missiles toward a shiny blue, yellow and black Earth. Presumably, that’s the hand of God, pointing thataway, with the warheads bearing the band members’ initials. As controversy goes, this isn’t really that big, but I’m sure it raised its share of eyebrows once it hit the record shops.

But, that’s merely peanuts compared to the big controversy surrounding this album…

to hell with the devil 2

That’s actually the censored version of the album, as the original artwork caused conservative Christians everywhere to loose their collective heads and demand the cover be changed to a black finish with just the band logo and title. Do you know what that original artwork was? Brace yourself, for the offensive original cover art was this…

to hell with the devil

Yep. Four ripped and swole angels, presumably modeled after the band members, tossing the Devil into the abyss of Hell. Yeah, I don’t get what the problem was, either. And frankly, even as I wasn’t a Christian when this came out, I was a bit more dubious about an alleged Christian band using that kind of album title to begin with.

But, then again, nothing could prepare anyone for what was to come a few years later…

against the law

Hoo, boy, was this the one that kicked the proverbial hornet nest. Where to begin? Well, there’s the title, Against The Law, which made everyone assume they were in rebellion now; then there was the modified band logo, which did away with the Bible reference, that seemed to reinforce the assumption that the band was now GOING SECULAR and TURNING AWAY FROM THE FAITH! As if that wasn’t enough, the band photos showed them wearing more black and — *gasp* — growing facial hair and toning down the big hair! They were just one step away from joining the Church of Satan by now.

In the end, these were all merely knee-jerk reactions to superficial surface-level judgments. Personally, my only question to Stryper about their new release is this:

Will it come with a vinyl edition?


You Might Be An Evangelical If…

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[note: Ganked from The Wartburg Watch, you can read the entire article here]


  • You believe that hell is going to be populated by Catholics (except for Mel Gibson), the Clintons, Mormons (with a special dispensation for Glen Beck), the staff of the New York Times (all of them), Rosie O’Donnell, all of the people from the Mid Atlantic and Northeast coast and West coast (with a special hot spot for Hollywood), Brian McLaren, Rob Bell and all Liberals.
  • You think Kirk Cameron should get the academy award for best actor in Fireproof.
  • You think homoousios is a congressional bill for same-sex marriage.
  • You submitted to your wife on your vacation destination and feel guilty about it.
  • You don’t really have any idea what “Evangelical” means and you really don’t like to witness anyway.
  • You think the Great Commission is what you get if you join Amway.
  • Your church has a band that performs Christian contemporary songs which have seven words, repeated eleven times (aka, 7-11 Music).
  • You have no doubt that the best non-bibilical book ever published is Rick Warren’s “Purpose Driven Life”.
  • Your favorite Bible is the NIV Study Bible because you can quote from the footnotes and everyone things you are smart.
  • Your pastor preaches three point sermons and each point starts with the same letter and people get mad if the pastor runs over-time.
  • You think “expositional” is someone who doesn’t take a position on anything.
  • You’re not sure what TULIP stands for, but you know you’re against it because Holland is a liberal country.
  • Beth Moore studies can be substituted for Bible study.
  • You think Ellen DeGeneres is really funny but you would never tell your Bible study group.
  • You were really excited when the supermarket started carrying beer and wine because you were too embarrassed to go to the local liquor store because someone from church might see you. This way you can hide the six pack under the baby diapers.
  • If your pastor mentions the Puritans, you think of the Salem Witch Trials and think they were all nuts.
  • You hope that a couple of Duggar kids will run away and join Greenpeace.
  • You pretend you net tithe but the tithe is unbiblical anyway.


Music Review: POOR OLD LU. – Mindsize

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poor old lu - mindsizePOOR OLD LU.
Alarma Records

It’s probably not coming as much of a surprise to you that I would have something like Poor Old Lu. in my collection. Yes, I’m a metalhead, but it’s no secret that I’m known to branch out once in a while. Depends on the mood, really. And thus, this review of Poor Old Lu.’s first album, Mindsize.

For the express purpose of padding out this review (and in case you weren’t alive in the 90s): Poor Old Lu. was one of the more prominent bands to come from the big alternative music paradigm shift of the 1990s, forming in 1990 and going onto become one of the more respected bands from that era, at least in the Christian music culture. Taking their name from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, they released a couple of demos before catching the ear of Terry Taylor, who helped get them signed on to the Frontline Music Group, which then released the band’s first official release, Mindsize.

I personally discovered the existence of Poor Old Lu. back in college, on one of the radio promo samplers FMG sent me for the radio show I was doing. The song included on there was “Cruciality”, which came from Mindsize. I was impressed with the dreamy, yet darkly neo-psychadelic style of the song, and went ahead and got ahold of the full-length album on the strength of that song alone. Keep in mind, this was just before I got turned off to alternative music by all the alterna-jerks that started coming out of the woodwork. They were like hipsters of today, only they at least knew the proper usage of the word “irony”…at least until that Alanis Morissette song came out.

Listening to Mindsize now, the music on here still stands up after a couple of decades. It’s a refreshing blend of janglepop, psychadelic and retro alternative that manages to be dark yet dreamy at the same time, creating a sound you could close your eyes and get lost in without everything bleeding together into a jumbled mess. For what it is, Mindsize remains a solid front-to-back listen when I need something to chill out with once in a while. Is it a classic? Sure, why not? Recommended.

Movie Review: STARGATE

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“I don’t want to die. And your men don’t want to die, and these people certainly don’t want to die. It’s a shame you’re in such a hurry to.”

It was a fall afternoon on a Sunday in 1994. I was attending college in Wayne, Nebraska; some of my friends and I attended a service at one of the megachurches in Souix City, then took in a showing of the newly released sci-fi flick Stargate. I had no idea what that movie was; at the time, I was blissfully ignorant of most genre movies being released at the time. This was also before I knew who Roland Emmerich was. All I remember was someone in the group saying, “Let’s go see Stargate,” and I was just along for the ride. Fortunately, it was a pretty fun ride.

After a flashback to an archeological dig in Giza, Egypt in 1928, we meet one Dr. Daniel Jackson in the current day, trying (and failing miserably) to convince his collegues of his theory that the Ancient Egyptian culture was influenced by aliens. He’s offered a gig to decipher some strange–one would say “alien”–hieroglyphics on the item that was found at the aforementioned Giza dig. Turns out, those weren’t hieroglyphs at all, but constellations, and putting those bits into the ginormous stone circle activates a wormhole. And since we’re a curious lot, Dr. Jackson joins a team of military soldiers lead by Colonel Jack O’Neil into the wormhole to see what’s on the other side. And what’s on the other side is a planet on the farthest side of the known galaxy. A desert planet, to be exact; one that has a pyramid-like structure, as well as locals that appear to have bearly entered the Bronze Age. Also, they see a necklace of the Eye of Ra that Dr. Jackson is wearing, and begin to worship the off-world newcomers. Turns out, the locals speak a variation of Ancient Egyptian, so Dr. Jackson is able to communicate with them. Seems that this alien culture has close ties to how Earth’s Egyptian culture arose. Namely, an alien going by the name of Ra possessing an Earthling and setting himself up as a god. But then, the Earthlings revolted and Ra escaped and set up shop on this planet, where reading and writing is outlawed. And wouldn’t you know it? During all this exposition, Ra’s ship arrives, and the god is none too pleased at this turn of events. And with Colonel O’Neil being a bit on the suicidal side of things due to the tragic death of his son prior to this movie, he brought along a nuclear warhead to detonate in the event of a hostile alien situation to protect Earth from invasion. And Ra and his minions are as hostile as they come. Wackiness and an alien uprising ensues.

There’s really not much more I can say at this point, other than Stargate remains one of those sci-fi classics that I never really tire of watching. I’ve seen this many times, owned the movie at one point (which got lost in the shuffle of life some time ago, unfortunately, and I haven’t had an opportunity to replace it), and its legacy still reverberates in pop culture today. And yes, Stargate is another one of those big budget B-Movie flicks that I recommend whole-heartedly.

Music Review: FIRST STRIKE – Rock Of Offense

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first strike rock of offenseFIRST STRIKE
Rock Of Offense
Exit Records

I recall the fist time I heard of the band First Strike: It was by way of the Heaven’s Metal Collection compilation, back in 1995. It featured their song “Loneliness Kills”, a song of which I wasn’t exactly enamored with when I first heard it. I pretty much forgot about the band soon after that. About fifteen years later, then come across their only release, Rock Of Offense on a used cassette, and figured spending a buck on this wouldn’t be that much of a big deal. Quite frankly, I paid a lot more for a lot worse.

Hailing from Sacramento, California and forming in 1979, First Strike was one of the earlier hard rock bands in the Christian rock scene that leaned more toward the Daniel Band rather than the Petra side of things. Meaning, they had a more raw guitar-based rock sound than a polished CCM Radio quality to them. Their first and only full-length release, Rock Of Offense, was released on Exit Records, the same label that featured The 77s. As a matter of fact, the album itself was produced by Mike Roe, the main guy behind The 77s.

And that, my wonderful freaks, is all the information I was able to glean from scouring all of my regular sources (and a few not-so-regular sources). That, and the observation that, considering the mainstays on Exit Records were The 77s, Charlie Peacock and Vector, having a band like First Strike on the label was a bit of a departure, style-wise. Not that it’s never happened before, mind you.

Anyway, as far as the music goes, it’s kind of a heavier take on the AOR rock that was prevalent at the time, like Triumph, Scorpions and Quiet Riot, with a bit more melodic style going on. There are tons of guitar hooks and rather good solos going on, and while the vocals aren’t exactly setting me on fire, they certainly do the job. The songs are mostly standard mid-paced hard rockers, with some exceptions; the best song on here, I have to say, is “Prisoner”, as it has a heavier, faster riff that is more of a NWOBHM cut that I enjoyed immensely.

Had you told me Rock Of Offense was released in the later part of the 1980s, or even 1990, I wouldn’t have batted an eye, as it’s sadly the standard practice to wait for three or four years after the fact for a CCM band to start utilizing the style. But, Rock Of Offense was released in 1984, right at the time when this type of hard rock was starting to rise on AOR stations. Plus, the lyrics on the album weren’t afraid to go the darker route, taking on topics that weren’t exactly touched upon in your standard CCM Radio affair. So, for that, First Strike gets major points.

Overall, I have to say that, once again, I went in not expecting much, but finding myself rather pleased with the outcome. From what I understand, Rock Of Offense was never given the proper CD re-release, only getting released initially on the vinyl record and cassette formats. The production is a bit on the raw side but still good, and the cover art is not in keeping with the music contained (really, it looks more like a rejected Duran Duran cover); if you find a copy of this, pick it up, as it’s well worth your time to check out.

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