Regrets

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I should have never put myself out there. I should have known better; every time I get a glimmer of hope, that somehow I feel like I’m contributing something to the church, helping with the best of my abilities, that I actually fit in somewhere…and then I find myself ostracized due to my chemical imbalance. My depression. Manic depression. Tourettes. Whatever. It starts off so well, but then turns to shit. Lord help me in my bitterness; I am, however, waiting for the other shoe to drop, when they come up and tell me that my services with recording the sermons will no longer be required. To find someplace else to worship with the corporate body.

I wear the sunglasses indoors so that everyone can’t see the sorrow and pain in my eyes. Nobody wants to see that. They want to see sunshine, rainbows and unicorn farts. Hear nothing but praise reports, how happy you always are.

I don’t know what to do, Lord. I don’t know how to explain it to anyone, not enough to do it justice.

Maybe getting back involved with a small group again can help things. Maybe. I shall try Jake’s group. At least I know and am still friends with him and Chelsea. Baby steps and all.

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By the time we get to Woodstock, half of the investors will be gone…

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woodstock 50Watching the saga and drama that is the Woodstock 50 festival has been downright amusing, I have to admit.

Sure, that seems a bit callous, sounding like I take great pleasure at the misfortunes of others. I don’t, but this is a music festival we’re talking about, here. And one based on an icon of the 60s, at that.

Look, I’m no business man. I took broadcast communications in college, and I didn’t make it past a year at that. I can’t even begin to imagine everything that’s involved with getting a multi-band / artist festival going; I presume it goes a bit beyond just “hey, let’s get [insert band name here] to play at [insert venue here]!”

So, if you’re reading this and wondering what the heck I’m talking about, here’s the TL;DR Edition: Plans for the 50th Anniversary of the Woodstock festival has been fraught with setbacks, delays and finally cancellation…only to be immediately uncanceled again. Investors are pulling out, and artists are cancelling their appearances, despite having been paid for the appearance.

To be fair, this fiasco is nowhere near the clusterbomb that was the Fyre Festival back in 2017. That sucker garnished at least two documentaries that I know of. Woodstock 50 at least just seems like it’s experiencing PTSD due to the result of Woodstock ’99, aka The One Where Limp Bizkit Incited An Apocalyptic-level Riot. Allegedly.

Mind you, I’m writing this as a casual observer that has no vested interest in the festival itself. The lineup is…let’s just say, I’m not the target demographic for this one. Woodstock ’94 at least had Metallica, King’s X, Primus, and Nine Inch Nails. Not to mention a career-defining performance by Green Day. This 50th Anniversary Woodstock…yeah, the only reason this has my interest is because of the wackiness going on even getting it up and going.

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Eastertide…

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grave of the black sheep
So, here we are. Another Lent season, ending with Easter Sunday, has come and gone. For many, this was a holy time of reflection on their faith and what it means to them. For me…I have to be straightforward with everyone: I don’t really consider the holidays on the Christian calendar to be all that important.

Okay, okay, let me rephrase that: I don’t really consider the Big Two Christian holidays–those being Christmas and Easter–as special as any other day of the year.

Yeah, there’s just no way I can phrase this without sounding like some kind of curmudgeon. I assure you I’m not trying to rain on the celebrations of anyone observing the resurrection of Jesus from the grave. Jesus’ victory over sin and death is at the very crux of my faith (pun very much intended).

As I approach my third decade as being a servant of Christ Jesus (as I told the youth group last week, I became a Christian at the age of 15, and it’ll be nearly 30 years in August; do the math), I find myself less and less enamored of any perceived “holy days” and holidays as I once was.

The reason for this, first off, has nothing to do with being sick and tired of having to put up with so many Actual Lee* types who want to nit-pick how un-Christian Easter really is and sucking the fun out of everything for everyone (although I’d be lying if I said they didn’t annoy me); nor does it have anything to do with slowly losing my faith over time.

The truth is, I find that the longer I walk down this path that Father God, Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit has me on, the less I feel the need to celebrate Easter**. At least, not as all-out as many of my fellow brethren and sisteren do.

Here’s how I see it: Remembering the sacrificial death and consequent resurrection of the Son of God is very important. But, I think, equally important is to remember that we’ve all been living in the Eastertide, the period after His resurrection and ascension. The work is finished. We should be celebrating this every day out of the year.

Shouts of “He is Risen!” Well, He’s always been risen. Do we need reminding? Probably. We are a people that easily forgets what God has done for us. We go about the rest of the year seemingly stuck in the Saturday before Easter, like He’s still dead and our hope means nothing. An empty passion play.

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[*= “Actual Lee”: a type of person who always wants to correct anyone about anything, interjecting their superior knowledge on any topic of discussion, often unsolicited, usually starting with the word “Actually” (“Actually, the Easter celebration has its roots in the pagan celebration of the spring equinox, and was absorbed by the Christian church to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.”) SOURCE]

[**=yes, I understand that some prefer calling it “Resurrection Day” due to not wanting to associate with the pagan roots of Easter. That’s fine, I have no qualms with that. I call it “Easter” myself, and that’s why I use it in this post.]

FEBRUARY 20, 2019

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abandoned houseLast night, I dreamed of someone I’ve never met before in my life. Again.

We were both looking after several wayward and lost Middle School-aged kids inside an big, old drafty and dark Victorian type house. It was clear that I had strong feelings for this lady, and as we talked, it was clear she also reciprocated these feelings as well.

The dream ended like so many of these kind of dreams end: I turn around but for a second, and when I look back, she’s gone. Vanished. I always wake up with a profound sense of loneliness. This morning was no different.

The last real meaningful relationship I was in was five years ago. I’ve never felt that having a relationship is what makes me whole; I am made whole and find meaning solely in Christ Jesus, my Lord and Master. However, I have never experienced such profound organic happiness than when I was in that relationship. The reason being, is because we both served God together. We worshiped and volunteered at church together, we faced issues together, we laughed together, we were open with each other…things just never felt as fulfilling as it did when were were working in tandem together. To borrow a despised bit of Christianese, we were “doing life” together.

It’s been five years now. Five years since I lost that kind of organic happiness. Most normal people seem to be able to move on; I tend to find myself paralyzed at the thought of asking somebody for coffee and talk, even if to make a connection on a friend level.

Again, I don’t think that a relationship will complete me as a person. But, that still doesn’t eliminate the profound sense of loneliness that seems crushing at times. I think either my subconsciousness is trying to tell me something, or…I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being punished for wanting to love someone. The way things ended certainly makes it look that way.

If this is my fate in this life, so be it. I follow Christ Jesus, whether alone or with someone. I just wish my dreams would stop mocking me like that. It’s not nice.

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FEBRUARY 19, 2019

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kale

Last night, I dreamed I was eating kale.

I have no idea why. I’ve never eaten kale, even by accident. I have no idea what it tastes like; which is why when, I was eating it in my dream, it didn’t taste like anything.

I can’t say I ever wanted to try kale. I’m not adverse to eating vegetables; however, my tastes are rather simple and basic: carrots, lettuce (mostly iceburg), snow peas and the occasional green bean. All raw and uncooked, mind you. I can’t stand vegetables cooked. Nasty.

But kale…I have no intention of trying it out. Not because of some aversion to trying something new; I just don’t want to be associated with the hipster douchenozzels that go around telling everyone that they eat kale.

So, why would I dream about eating kale? I don’t know. My brain is funny. My dreams are weird.

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Frozen Wednesday Update…

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iced overLately the posts on this blog of mine have made things look like this is strictly a movie review blog. I apologize about that; during the handful of months last year when I was going through the medical stuff with my toe and had nothing else to do outside of the hospital visits and IV infusions, I scheduled a lot of movie reviews to be posted during the weekdays. And since I had a bunch to catch up on, there are still a goodly amount that are going to be posted in the near future. But, I wanted to at least throw something else in besides those, just to get back to a variety of posts on here. So…here’s a bit of an update.
weather omaha
As I type this, the Polar Vortex is in full effect. It’s in the negative digits outside, and the NEKRON-7 groaned its displeasure at this sub-zero snap. My nipples hit the frigid air, and said a collective “Nope.” and hopped right off of me and went back inside, leaving me to go to work without nipples. I hate when that happens.

I have taken off all of the music reviews and the band interviews from here, and am in the process of scheduling all of those to be posted on the NECRO SHOCK RADIO blog. I’ve been scheduling 20 posts a day, so all of them should be up on the site by the end of February or soon thereafter. I figured they belonged there; a better fit, if you will. I’ll probably still link any new postings to this one, just to keep anyone abreast of my other writing ventures and such.
colder than we thought
So, that’s about it right now. For everyone who’s stuck in this Polar Vortex, stay warm and safe, and at least it looks like it will get warmer as the week closes out. Cheers, all…

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Vinyl Confessions Pt. 2: METAL UP YOUR…Something or Other…

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Continuing on with sharing my vinyl record collection, here’s where I let my \,,/METAL\,,/ flag fly freely…
metallica kill em all
METALLICA – Kill ‘Em All
…remastered, obviously, but essential to the collection. It still sounds great after all these years, raw and unbridled. If it sounds like I’m fanboy gushing, it’s because I am.
metallica ride the lightning
METALLICA – Ride The Lightning
…classic. Of course, had to be part of the collection. Also a remaster, came with a download link for the MP3…but, I already have that rip of the CD, so…moving on…
metallica master of puppets
METALLICA – Master Of Puppets
…like the first two albums in the Metallica discography, I’ve had this classic on pretty much all the formats: cassette, CD, MP3 download, and now vinyl record. Gads, I do need to get out and date more, don’t I?
metallica garage days re-revisited
METALLICA – Garage Days Re-Revisited
…this is the remastered version, which cost more than the actual sticker price printed on the sleeve, but it also comes on orange vinyl! But…the first song skips right at the beginning, right when Lars does the first opening drum fill on “Helpless”. Oh, well…and no, the speakers are nowhere near the player, so it’s not a bass vibration thing causing it…

…at this point, all I need now is the reissued …And Justice For All, and I will have all the Metallica I wouldst desire on vinyl. “What about the Black Album?”, you may be asking yourself? I’ll get to that in another blog post. But, for now…

megadeth killing is my business
MEGADETH – Killing Is My Business…And Business Is Good!
…and this is how you do a remaster of a vinyl reissue: double disc, with the full album on one, and a bunch of rare live tracks from the 1980s and demo versions of a couple of the songs on the other. Also, unlike the CD version of the remaster, the version of “These Boots” does NOT have those annoying censor bleeps thrown in because the original writer of the song threw a hissy fit when he heard Dave’s version of it…also also, that new artwork is KILLER in the big format…
megadeth peace sells
MEGADETH – Peace Sells…But Who’s Buying?
…I just got this recently from Amazon, and after giving it a spin while writing this, I don’t think this is one of the re-releases; for one, it’s not on the 180 gram vinyl the record companies seem to insist on releasing everything on nowadays (I still don’t detect that much of a quality difference), and there’s nothing on the packaging to indicate this was a remaster; also, I was actually listening to the remastered / re-released version on CD in the NEKRON-7 on the way home from work before listening to this one, and I could detect slight differences in the mix. So, is this an original master? I don’t know…but it would be cool if it was…

To be continued…

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