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laser missionTurner home Entertainment

“You are fond of birds.

Mercenary Michael Gold is sent from the CIA to seize the laser expert Braun in Cuba before the KGB catches him. A recently stolen giant diamond could be used together with Braun’s knowledge to construct a laser cannon which could bring power over the whole world. Who will succeed: CIA or KGB–or none of them?

Brandon Lee is probably best known as the famed actor son of martial arts legend Bruce Lee, who died tragically from an on-set accident while filming 1994’s The Crow. That movie was reportedly going to be the start of bigger lead roles for the actor, who, up to then, starred in a bunch of low-budget action movies. Like this one, Laser Mission.

Released direct-to-video in 1989, Laser Mission is only half right with the title, as it does feature a mission–Lee’s mercenary character needing to find and get Ernest Borgnine with a bad accent before the godless Commies do, to stop the building of a weapon of mass destruction–but disappointingly, there are no lasers. Well, there’s a laser-guided motion detector…but, co’mon. Show me someone who wasn’t expecting the *pew-pew* kind of lasers when seeing the movie’s title, and I’ll show you someone who’s lying. Not even the movie’s theme song bothered with either the words “laser” or “mission”. Nope, it’s a song called “Mercenary Man”, played ad-nausium throughout the runtime.

Anyway, what we actually got is a bunch of walking around in a desert while he bickers with Dr. Braun’s daughter, interspersed with action scenes to showcase Lee’s martial arts skills, as well as more bickering with Dr. Braun’s daughter. All that bickering, it’s no surprise that they end up falling for each other near the end of the flick. Because them’s the rules of action movie romances. At least the movie ends with the bad guy getting hit by a truck. So it’s not entirely a loss, really.

What really saves Laser Mission from being completely horrible is Lee’s acting. He seems to know this is going to be a stinker, and he really chews the scenes, having fun with the role. Otherwise, the cheesiness is pretty high with this movie. Make sure you have any cinematic lactose intolerance in check before heading into this Laser-less Mission.

HALLOWEEN’ING 2015: Day 25 – The Crow

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the crow┬áBack in 1994, a movie adaptation of an independent comic book called The Crow was released. This is just rampant speculation on my part, but I’m pretty sure this is the movie that helped to resurrect interest in the Goth subculture in the 1990s.

Regardless, The Crow–the original film adaptation of the J. O’Barr comic about a dead musician brought back to life to avenge the death of himself and his fiance’ at the hands of thugs a year prior–is definitely one of those movies that I trot out every year, regardless of whether it’s Halloween or not. But it definitely goes well with the Halloween season. Not only is it a good neo-Gothic tale of vengeance for love that reaches beyond the veil of death itself, but the dark visuals and cinematography mixed with a spot-on soundtrack goes perfect with the Halloween aesthetics.

The original 1994 movie starring the late Brandon Lee as Eric Draven is the one you really need to care about. I might have a soft spot for the first sequel, City Of Angels, but for part of the Halloween Movie Marathon, this one should be part of the play list.