“The Lord’s house is always open to those in need.”

An Ozark Mountain town–with a century-old history of religious fanaticism–inadvertently creates a modern sadistic society of in-bred misfits who prey on stray travelers. Four young college students–lured into exploring the legend of the Albino Farm–uncover its disturbing past, while enduring a night of horrors.

Tell me, what’s the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the words “Albino Farm”? Is it a farm that employs down on their luck albinos, ran by an altruistic yet kind of creepy religious person that on the surface wants to give these misunderstood pariahs of society a chance to make an honest living and provide food and shelter to get by? Or, perhaps you’re weird enough to think it’s an actual farm where they grow albinos, like I did. Sorry, that’s how my brain is wired with these things. But, whatever you think, there would at least be a farm, and especially at least one albino individual, right?

Well, the movie that we’re talking about here, Albino Farm, has neither of these. No farm, and there may have been a brief glimpse of an albino in a scene involving a revival tent full of inbred freaks, but it was so quick it didn’t really count, if I remembered it correctly. This was immediately after watching the movie, I couldn’t recall whether there was one or not. And I certainly wasn’t going to rewatch just to make sure. There’s not even an albino on the DVD cover up there.

What Albino Farm does have instead, is more of a Hills Have Eyes kind of vibe, with the aforementioned town of deformed misfits, and the cliche’d group of annoying college-age young’uns managing to get stuck in said town with everything you would expect happen does happen to them.

The story really hits all the beats: A bunch of annoying college kids are on a road trip because they’re working on some kind of history assignment about backwater America history and customs, when they almost hit a dwarf (as you do) and get a flat tire. Okay, so maybe the dwarf part wasn’t exactly expected, I’ll give the movie that. They happen upon your standard Gas Station In The Middle Of Nowhere Ran By A Creepy (Blind) Redneck, and while dickering for a new tire, who starts babbling a bunch of Bible stuff at them trying to warn them off. They of course don’t listen to the guy, and head on down the road and come across a Tent Revival filled with Freaks, which is where they hear about the legend of the titular Albino Farm. They then mosey into town, get the general stink-eye from the citizenry, then run into pro wrassler Chris Jericho dressed up like the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers who leads them to the so-called Albino Farm, where they end up captured by mutant hillbillies (one of which does a “I’m seducing you” dance that made me throw up in my mouth a little), and so they fight to escape. Then the survivor ends up back at the revival tent and goes insane. The end.

Albino Farm is your standard–I hasten to say “sub-standard”–unoriginal and unremarkable teen slasher flick. It’s a low-quality “been-there, done-that” plot with actors that aren’t even entertaining in their hackneyed performance. And yes, Chris Jericho is probably the most interesting thing in this movie, and he’s not even in the movie long enough to justify the billing he got on the DVD cover; clearly most of the budget was used on him as a draw. He has both the sweet, sweet WWE Wrestling demographic, as well as those fans of his metal project, Fozzy as a built-in audience for this flick. Which, I have to admit, was the reason I decided to check Albino Farm out. There. Curiosity sated. I’ve never been so underwhelmed in my life. Pass.