MARCH 10, 2020: A Bit Of Goodness Tucked Out Of Sight…

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orb web spiderHuman beings are creatures made for joy. Against all evidence, we tell ourselves that grief and loneliness and despair are tragedies, unwelcome variations from the pleasure and calm and safety that in the right way of the world would form the firm ground of our being. In the fairy tale we tell ourselves, darkness holds nothing resembling a gift. What we feel always contains its own truth, but it is not the only truth, and darkness almost always harbors some bit of goodness tucked out of sight, waiting for an unexpected light to shine, to reveal it in its deepest hiding place. – Margaret Renkl, Late Migrations: A Natural History of Love and Loss

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My Dark Night of the Soul: May 21, 2018

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insaneThis darkness that is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like the grime of the world is covering me. I feel like I’m trapped in a contaminated body that no amount of washing will clean.

I can still feel the fallen nature inside me. It’s an evil that wants to destroy. It nearly destroyed my loved ones, and it nearly destroyed me.

The Holy Spirit keeps this monster that is my old self at bay. But, even though it’s dying, it’s not going without a fight. Wanting to destroy me. Whispering mad ideas when I am at my lowest, urging me to kill myself, to harm my flesh, to suffocate in my despair.

I know I shall never be rid completely of this, until the day that I am resurrected with Christ and given a new body. I let the monster in myself; I shudder to think what kind of destruction I could have attained had I not submitted to the Reanimator.

Wrapped in chains, this Old Self of mine remains, with the chains only getting tighter the further I walk. His screams are maddening…

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In My Dark Isolation, I Muse…

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In My Dark Isolation, I Muse...Tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. The quad-fecta. If that’s even a word. This has been a very long stretch of banality, an endless valley of questions, struggling to understand, trying to keep afloat in this raging river.

Feeling like Elijah – after a victorious high, I plunge into the depths of depression. I can do nothing but lift His name up and praise Him in the midst of this despair and darkness. Despite my not wanting to, or “feeling like it”, I must. He is worthy of my praise.

Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous! for praise from the upright is beautiful. – Psalm 33:1

I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies. – II Samuel 22:4

Oh, do not let the oppressed return ashamed! Let the poor and needy praise Your name. – Psalm 74:21

I go now to mentally prepare for the day…

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