SNOW DAY FORTUNE COOKIE ROUNDUP

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bad-fortune-cookieSo, this being a rare snow day from work, and seeing as how I’m not going anywhere for a bit, I figured now would be a good time to catch up on posting the various Fortune Cookie messages I’ve gotten from my takeout excursions over the months. They’ve been piling up here on the corner of my desk. So, here’s what they are, and my little commentaries to follow:

YOU WILL BE ADVANCED SOCIALLY, WITHOUT ANY SPECIAL EFFORT.
…I’ve read Shirley Jackson’s ‘The Lottery’…this won’t end well.

AN ADMIRER IS TOO SHY TO GREET YOU AT THE MOMENT
…at least, until the lights are out and I’ve gone to sleep, so that they can sneak inside and steal another lock of my hair for their collection.

YOU WILL SOON GAIN SOMETHING YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED
…that would either be the cold hands of death to guide me out of this mortal coil, or that Darth Vader gumball machine. Could go either way.

KEEP YOUR PLANS SECRET FOR NOW
…well, great. You should have told me that before I posted everything on my Facebook page. Way to drop the ball, cookie.

NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO FINISH UP OLD TASKS
…even the cookies are getting on me to put away my laundry. Sheesh.

OUR FIRST AND LAST LOVE IS…SELF LOVE
…now, is that the kind of love a man has for a woman, or the kind of love a man has for a fine cigar?

::END TRANSMISSION::

Sunday A’La Carte – August 17, 2014

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where trees go when they're badHey hey, it’s Sunday again. I don’t know about you, but it’s been a rather stressful weekend so far. The week prior has been okay, really. But the weekend? Full of good, full of bad. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I played around with skipping this week’s A’La Carte, but then I realized that doing so would probably be counter-productive. I’ll leave it at that. So, on with the post…

I don’t know about you, but Jack Chick represents probably the best in Christian Cheese. If you don’t recognize the name, you might recognize his Christian tracts, done up as little mini-comics to present his ultra-Fundamentalist views on things like the end times, Catholics, New Age, Christian Rock, Halloween, and so forth and so on. I love them in the same way I love the movie Birdemic. So, it fills me with great…opposite of despair and sorrow to learn that there’s been a live-action movie made based on the Dungeons & Dragons-equals-Satanism tract Dark Dungeons. Yup, gonna be seeing this one. Hope it’s going to get a theatrical release.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of METAL singers with hotdogs photoshopped in where their mics are supposed to be. These are awesome. Look at them, I implore you.

On Friday, before I went home, I picked up some take-out at one of the near-by Chinese buffets, and the check-out girl stuck a fistful of fortune cookies into my bag. After I just wrote that, I realized that “Fistful of Fortune Cookies” would make a great band name. Anyway, that means that I have five fortune cookie messages to riff on:
– “Unveil your ideas. Be ready to act on them.”
…and be sure to get some burn creme for the inevitable backlash.

– “An unexpected payment is coming your way!”
…I can only presume this means that something is going to happen that will necessitate me parting with money, probably in the form of fixing the Aluminium Falcon, or health reasons. Either way, was the exclamation point really called for?

– “You are admired for your impeccable tastes.”
…if by “admired” you mean “ridiculed” and “misunderstood”, then yes, you are right on the money, cookie.

– “On Friday your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas.”
…thanks for the warning. I’m sure the higher-ups at work will take every precaution to keep this “creativity” from messing up the flow of things.

– “Your fondest dream will come true within this year.”
…really? There’s plans of bringing back Mountain Dew Black in diet form? Excellent.

most amazing pumpkinLet’s see, stuff I wrote about this week: I reviewed albums by Vomitorial Corpulence and Inevitable End, read and reviewed the Doctor Who novel Last of the Gaderene, mused a bit about my history watching 1998’s Godzilla, and mourned the passing of a pop culture icon.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I do need to hit the sack a bit earlier than usual. Something tells me it’s going to be an eventful week (something I’m going to expound on a bit more, trust me). In the meantime, I leave you with a Robin Williams Video Tribute. Cheers.

::END TRANSMISSION::

Fortune Cookie Messages

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evil-fortune-cookiesIt’s been a while since I’ve done this. As a tragic fan of what passes as Chinese food here in Nebraska, I started the practice of posting the little paper messages found in those fortune “cookies” that they always stick in to top off the meal–first on my old Live Journal back in the day, then progressing to individual posts on my Facebook page, usually with a somewhat pithy comment from yours truly. All in good fun, really.

Recently, though, due to…reasons, I went four times partaking in Chinese food, and have yet to get to posting those little messages given to my by my sad little dessert. So, I thought I’d do all four of them in one post here on my bligity-blog. Why I kept these things around and not discarding them, well, that’s a tale for another day. Proceeding on with the wackiness:

LIFE IS A TRAGEDY FOR THOSE WHO FEEL AND A COMEDY FOR THOSE WHO THINK.
…so, would that make my life a comedic tragedy, or a tragic comedy?

THE EYES BELIEVE THEMSELVES; THE EARS BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE.
…and my stomach can’t believe that I actually thought I could stick that combination of chicken chunks, whatever-that-meat-was slathered in whatever-that-sauce-was, and “crab” Rangoon in there and not expect to pay the price later.

YOUR LIFE WILL BE HAPPY AND PEACEFUL.
…great, now I’m paranoid. Thanks, cookie.

YOU WILL BE LUCKY IN LOVE.
…now my cookie is mocking me. I thought I heard a snicker as I opened the cellophane to this particular one.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sleep off this MSG overdose I once again find myself in…cheers…

::END TRANSMISSION::