You Might Be An Evangelical If…

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[note: Ganked from The Wartburg Watch, you can read the entire article here]

YOU MIGHT BE AN EVANGELICAL IF…

  • You believe that hell is going to be populated by Catholics (except for Mel Gibson), the Clintons, Mormons (with a special dispensation for Glen Beck), the staff of the New York Times (all of them), Rosie O’Donnell, all of the people from the Mid Atlantic and Northeast coast and West coast (with a special hot spot for Hollywood), Brian McLaren, Rob Bell and all Liberals.
  • You think Kirk Cameron should get the academy award for best actor in Fireproof.
  • You think homoousios is a congressional bill for same-sex marriage.
  • You submitted to your wife on your vacation destination and feel guilty about it.
  • You don’t really have any idea what “Evangelical” means and you really don’t like to witness anyway.
  • You think the Great Commission is what you get if you join Amway.
  • Your church has a band that performs Christian contemporary songs which have seven words, repeated eleven times (aka, 7-11 Music).
  • You have no doubt that the best non-bibilical book ever published is Rick Warren’s “Purpose Driven Life”.
  • Your favorite Bible is the NIV Study Bible because you can quote from the footnotes and everyone things you are smart.
  • Your pastor preaches three point sermons and each point starts with the same letter and people get mad if the pastor runs over-time.
  • You think “expositional” is someone who doesn’t take a position on anything.
  • You’re not sure what TULIP stands for, but you know you’re against it because Holland is a liberal country.
  • Beth Moore studies can be substituted for Bible study.
  • You think Ellen DeGeneres is really funny but you would never tell your Bible study group.
  • You were really excited when the supermarket started carrying beer and wine because you were too embarrassed to go to the local liquor store because someone from church might see you. This way you can hide the six pack under the baby diapers.
  • If your pastor mentions the Puritans, you think of the Salem Witch Trials and think they were all nuts.
  • You hope that a couple of Duggar kids will run away and join Greenpeace.
  • You pretend you net tithe but the tithe is unbiblical anyway.

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Book Review: The CHRISTIAN CULTURE SURVIVAL GUIDE

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1-22 - Book Review: The CHRISTIAN CULTURE SURVIVAL GUIDEMatthew Paul Turner
Relevant Books
2004

By taking a hilarious look at the peculiarities and churchisms that have been added to this thing called Christianity, The Christian Culture Survival Guide leaves you with a knowing smile and the reassurance that true faith is only found in Jesus…not in the gift aisle at the Heaven Sent Christian Bookstore.

One of the greatest gifts that the Holy Spirit hath bestowed upon me is the ability to find satire and parody within the Christian culture in which I haplessly dwell. I hate to say it, but we do tend to make it rather easy, almost self-parody at times. And it’s hard enough trying to remain graceful to my fellow followers of Christ Jesus, and still point out the utter ridiculousness we produce in the name of Sanctified Pop Culture. But, as much as we want to confess otherwise, we do have our own sacred cows, and I happen to find they make the best cheeseburgers. And I’m really not the only one.

Which brings us to Matthew Paul Turner’s first publication, The Christian Culture Survival Guide. I first discovered this in an add within the pages of Relevant Magazine back when it was first released. The title and description struck me as being by someone who possibly shared the same sense of humor I have about these things. And, as it turns out, yeah he does; I just didn’t get around to picking up this book until years later, when I stumbled across it in the shelves of the oft-mentioned Half Price Books. By then, I was well acquainted with Turner’s blog, Jesus Needs New PR, and have read his memoir Churched. So I nabbed the copy, and proceeded to read the entire thing in a few hours.

Yeah, The Christian Culture Survival Guide isn’t what you would call deeply theological, but that really isn’t a slam. It’s a complement, actually; Turner writes in a very accessible conversational style, telling stories and observations about the topic at hand, having been involved within CCM and witnessing things first-hand, showing a wry sense of humor that’s playfully biting but never nasty. There are several side-bars and notes within the chapters, as it’s layout is one of those hip hyper-kinetic styles that leaves me wondering if it was intentionally trying to ape the style of those youth group workbooks that I’ve seen back in the 1990s.

In any case, The Christian Culture Survival Guide is funny, spot-on and something everyone should read. At the very least, it should be issued to every kid in every youth group in America.

25 Signs You Listened To Christian Music Growing Up

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From the Blimey Cow You Tube channel (if you haven’t checked them out, you really should):

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Top 10 Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble

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10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full KISS makeup

7. When you criticize him, he yells “Thou sucketh!”

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy”

5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks

3. He uses the expression “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese

1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards

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Sunday A’La Carte’: January 11, 2015

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10918990_10152507530246854_4920962642766011397_nSunday again. Second Sunday of the month. And already, I’m kind of wanting a reset button for the year. Why, you ask? Well, aside from this last week being the first full post-Holidays work week, back in the same-old swing of things at work (unavoidable, happens to all of us), this week brought about the death of another family member, as well as two other family members getting rushed to the ER for unrelated reasons. I’m in the middle of moving my things into the new digs in Omaha—the move will be good, but the actual moving process is not one of my favorite things. Especially all the boxes. It’s seriously making me rethink the whole owning of so many books. But, it’s a minor quibble, considering the other things that have happened so far. So, you’ll forgive me if this week’s A’La Carte’ is rather brief, yes? There will be plenty of time for writing when I’m settled in at the Victorian.

eek150105If you’re a regular watcher of the Radio Dead Air video series WTFIWWY?, then you already know that more stupid is reported from the state of Florida than any other in this here country of mine. And while I, myself have had that momentary lapse of reason to not realize a door is unlocked before going through, not even the rare (but true) reports of people thinking they’ve been locked inside their own car can compare to the utter jaw-dropping incredulity of this couple’s harrowing two days inside a closet. To be fair, meth was involved, but still.

h4E05189CFor those of us who sometimes wish they could present a classier look for their non-Metal-head (and thus, not as awesome) friends, this guy here has redesigned some classic METAL album covers as Jazz record covers. I kind of want to have some of these as framed pictures, especially the Megadeth and Anthrax ones.

STUFF I WROTE: NWOBHM January continued with bits on Iron Maiden, Diamond Head and Grim Reaper. Then I posted reviews of Living Sacrifice albums here, here, here and here, a Klay Scott retrospective here, a Kohllapse album here, a Lament album here, something by a Lee McDerment here, a couple of Leper albums here and hear, a Lo-Ruhamah album here, a Letter 7 album here, and some Light Force albums here, here and here.

Anyway, I have some more packing to do, and then to bed, as tomorrow is the beginning of yet another work day. To quote my sister from earlier, “Is this week over yet?” I leave you all now with a video of two grown men playing Slayer on preschool-sized instruments. I believe the proper retort is, “Your argument is now invalid.” Cheers, my wonderful freaks.

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