FEBRUARY 20, 2019

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abandoned houseLast night, I dreamed of someone I’ve never met before in my life. Again.

We were both looking after several wayward and lost Middle School-aged kids inside an big, old drafty and dark Victorian type house. It was clear that I had strong feelings for this lady, and as we talked, it was clear she also reciprocated these feelings as well.

The dream ended like so many of these kind of dreams end: I turn around but for a second, and when I look back, she’s gone. Vanished. I always wake up with a profound sense of loneliness. This morning was no different.

The last real meaningful relationship I was in was five years ago. I’ve never felt that having a relationship is what makes me whole; I am made whole and find meaning solely in Christ Jesus, my Lord and Master. However, I have never experienced such profound organic happiness than when I was in that relationship. The reason being, is because we both served God together. We worshiped and volunteered at church together, we faced issues together, we laughed together, we were open with each other…things just never felt as fulfilling as it did when were were working in tandem together. To borrow a despised bit of Christianese, we were “doing life” together.

It’s been five years now. Five years since I lost that kind of organic happiness. Most normal people seem to be able to move on; I tend to find myself paralyzed at the thought of asking somebody for coffee and talk, even if to make a connection on a friend level.

Again, I don’t think that a relationship will complete me as a person. But, that still doesn’t eliminate the profound sense of loneliness that seems crushing at times. I think either my subconsciousness is trying to tell me something, or…I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being punished for wanting to love someone. The way things ended certainly makes it look that way.

If this is my fate in this life, so be it. I follow Christ Jesus, whether alone or with someone. I just wish my dreams would stop mocking me like that. It’s not nice.

::END TRANSMISSION::

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FEBRUARY 19, 2019

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kale

Last night, I dreamed I was eating kale.

I have no idea why. I’ve never eaten kale, even by accident. I have no idea what it tastes like; which is why when, I was eating it in my dream, it didn’t taste like anything.

I can’t say I ever wanted to try kale. I’m not adverse to eating vegetables; however, my tastes are rather simple and basic: carrots, lettuce (mostly iceburg), snow peas and the occasional green bean. All raw and uncooked, mind you. I can’t stand vegetables cooked. Nasty.

But kale…I have no intention of trying it out. Not because of some aversion to trying something new; I just don’t want to be associated with the hipster douchenozzels that go around telling everyone that they eat kale.

So, why would I dream about eating kale? I don’t know. My brain is funny. My dreams are weird.

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Frozen Wednesday Update…

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iced overLately the posts on this blog of mine have made things look like this is strictly a movie review blog. I apologize about that; during the handful of months last year when I was going through the medical stuff with my toe and had nothing else to do outside of the hospital visits and IV infusions, I scheduled a lot of movie reviews to be posted during the weekdays. And since I had a bunch to catch up on, there are still a goodly amount that are going to be posted in the near future. But, I wanted to at least throw something else in besides those, just to get back to a variety of posts on here. So…here’s a bit of an update.
weather omaha
As I type this, the Polar Vortex is in full effect. It’s in the negative digits outside, and the NEKRON-7 groaned its displeasure at this sub-zero snap. My nipples hit the frigid air, and said a collective “Nope.” and hopped right off of me and went back inside, leaving me to go to work without nipples. I hate when that happens.

I have taken off all of the music reviews and the band interviews from here, and am in the process of scheduling all of those to be posted on the NECRO SHOCK RADIO blog. I’ve been scheduling 20 posts a day, so all of them should be up on the site by the end of February or soon thereafter. I figured they belonged there; a better fit, if you will. I’ll probably still link any new postings to this one, just to keep anyone abreast of my other writing ventures and such.
colder than we thought
So, that’s about it right now. For everyone who’s stuck in this Polar Vortex, stay warm and safe, and at least it looks like it will get warmer as the week closes out. Cheers, all…

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House Sitting, Day 7

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existential pizzaDay Seven of the House Sitting.

Last day. Doing the laundry one last time, getting things packed away. Spending one last night here, then headed to work tomorrow mourning, all of my things tucked into the NEKRON 7. Headed back to the Haunted Victorian afterwards.

Tonight, though, I plan on watching the newest Preacher on the AMC channel on the Dish Network setup (as opposed to waiting until Monday evening to watch it on the Amazon streaming). Only three more episodes left to this season. I hope they actually get to the point of all this. Judging by last season, though, probably not.

The existential realization of heading back to the reality tomorrow looms just above and behind me, like the realization of my own mortality. It’s more of an intangible black cloud, reminding me that, like life itself, the holiday is fleeting, a mere blip in the grand overall scope of time and space. I exist, and that existence has meaning; and yet, when compared to the vastness that is time, and the fact that time itself is speeding along faster and faster, so that to give the illusion of blinking and seeing much of my life and experience go by, a blip in the history of Everything…makes me want to just order a pizza and chill out a bit.

Mmmmm…taco pizza from Casey’s…make this a reality, when the laundry’s done and I have socks again…

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Obligatory Memorial Day Post (2017 Edition)

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arlington cemeteryToday is Memorial Day here in the United States of America, where I dwell. A day where we remember and acknowledge those veterans and soldiers who have fought for our freedoms in the past, and are currently fighting for them now. Also a day to remember the loved ones that have shuffled off this mortal coil, some far too soon.

Since I hold my family to be a very important part of my life, I thought I would take a moment to share a list of the names of the family members I remember fondly while growing up:

Bill Wheatley (Great-Grandfather)
Charlotte Marie Case (Great-Grandmother)
Robert Case (Grandfather)
Esther Case (Grandmother)
Gerald Strand (Grandfather)
Betty Strand (Grandmother)
Orland Krohn (Grandfather)
Fern Krohn (Grandmother)
Douglas Erickson (Great-Great Uncle)
Natalie Erickson (Great-Great Aunt)
Janice Nuzum (Great Aunt)
Bill Rabe (Great Uncle)
Murial Rabe (Great Aunt)
Barry Rabe (Second Cousin)
Janet Donahey (Aunt)
Janel Case (Sister)
Allen Donahey (Cousin)
Jerry Donahey (Cousin)

…this is not a complete list, of course. And by no means is it by order of importance. These are the ones that I remember as have being part of my life. There have been others, and there will be others to come. Such is the nature of living.

Anyway, happy Memorial Day, and thank you for all who have served, and are still serving in some capacity. Cheers, all…

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Farewell to the Youth Group…

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haunted hallwayFor the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” – Luke 19:10

I’ve been silent. I know I have been silent, not posting my brain droppings or reviews or such these past few weeks. There have been some paradigm shifts, the major of which was where I said goodbye to my youth group last night.

It was known that this was Shelli’s last year of doing the youth group, as she had been faithfully doing so in the Student Venture capacity for 25 years. Not counting the few years before when it was just a weekly Bible study in the late 1980s and early 1990s. While she had said she was retiring every two years or so, this time she meant it.

It just so happened that I had gotten involved with Student Venture when it was started back in February of 1992, and have been involved in some capacity for approximately 17 out of the 25 years. There was that wilderness period between 2000 and 2009 that I’m not going to go into right now. Sufficed to say, I needed that time. When the Lord saw fit, He drop-kicked me back with the youth group to serve the leaders. Then I moved up to one of the co-leaders. We kept the name Student Venture long after Campus Crusade decided to change their organization name to CRU, and then the last year it was decided to break off entirely with being associated with CRU, more because we were affiliated in name only. The break was very amicable, really. That was also the last year we would exist as a youth group as we know it.

The original plan was to pass on responsibility of the group to myself and another friend–Darla–who were helping co-lead (for lack of a better word, this early in the mourning as I write this). Then, a few weeks into the new season, Darla left to to focus on her family (I swear I didn’t mean to evoke Dr. James Dobson’s old ministry, sorry); I realized that I would be the one taking over the lessons and teaching the group after Shelli was gone. And, after the initial period of anxiety, I  fell back to what I knew best to do: leave it up to God to do what He does, and let the Holy Spirit guide me as I merely serve to the best of my ability. Remain faithful in presenting the Truth of the Bible and Who Jesus is, and let God do the heavy work in the kids’ hearts and minds.

You know, what I’ve always been doing. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it, and all that.

Then, without getting bogged with the details, a chapter of Fellowship of Christian Athletes was started at the High School, and Shelli decided that the torch should be passed to those starting up FCA and dissolving Student Venture entirely. It’s logical, really, as there are so many more opportunities for the kids to grow and mature in their faith and interact with peers from other FCA groups, and it’s headed up by a couple of instructors from the high school. I would be lying, though, if I said I wasn’t a little bit upset at the sudden shift. Then again, the group wasn’t mine to begin with.

So, last night I said goodbye to probably the best bunch of kids I’ve had the honor and pleasure of working with. To watch the Holy Spirit work in their lives, seeing them want to dive into what the Bible says, reading it chapter-by-chapter, and most importantly getting to introduce them to Jesus. It was the one day out of the week I looked forward to. It was…difficult, to understate the situation. Hugs and tears and laughter all around.

So, the torch has been passed for the kids in Hooper, Nebraska. And various surrounding communities. It’s difficult to imagine not being a part of their lives in the future, but I believe they’re in good hands. As for me, I foresee a bit more Wilderness Wandering. Or to put it another way: While it’s true that when God closes one door, He will open another, no one wants to talk about the period where you’re wandering around the hallway waiting for Him to open up the other door.

Can I praise Him in the hallway? Do I have a choice? Am I really going to end this with rhetorical questions? Sure, why not? Cheers, all…

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July 31, 2016

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I will never forget Your precepts, for by them You have given me life. – Psalm 119:93

It’s been a while. A while since I’ve posted something substantial as far as brain droppings go. A while since I even posted some kind of general update to at least prove that I still exist on this plane of mortality. Did’ja miss me? I’m sure there’s at least a couple of you that did. Hi, Mom.

As it stands, I wish I had something positive to report. Even something as innocuous as “Doing fine, life is good, totally blessed,” and other similar posts I generally gloss over in my social media feed. Then again, even if I posted something like that and meant it, I’d have friends and acquaintances calling me to see if I’m feeling okay.

It’s not easy being the negative charge on the proverbial battery of life.

Boy howdy has 2016 been a trying year. I believe I began wishing for some kind of reset button around May or so. Here we are, the tail end of July, in the middle of the wicked season that is Summer, and there were two events in the past couple of months that have made me want to count this year as a wash. Just to give you an idea of what’s been happening to keep me from wanting to keep up with the content on this blog o’ mine:

My final grandmother passed away at the beginning of June. She was a week or so away from her 90th birthday. She passed away in her sleep; but it was the months leading up to her passing that took the most out of me and my family. It was tough, watching her fade away like she did. I’m still mourning her loss. I suppose I will for a while.

The second thing that hit me pretty hard this summer was something that I really did not see coming at all. Which is why, three weeks after it happened, I–and sever others as well–am  still feeling the whiplash. I can’t really get into the details at the moment; I’m still processing things, and I’d like to get as much information as possible to make a fair assessment of the situation. Let’s just say that, as of today many of us are finding ourselves without a church to call home. Like I said, I’ll probably go into more detail at a later post, I just want to be able to do so in a way that’s gracious and not falling into the realm of sensationalist muck-raking. Because we’re getting enough of that with this current election period, amirite?

Until next time, I hope to shake off the dark fog I’ve been in for the past few months to get back to posting my brain droppings, reviews and other fun stuff. It’s a struggle, buy by the grace of God I go. Cheers, all.

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