Movie Review: A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY

Leave a comment

a christmas horror story
Image Entertainment
2015
NR

No Elves were harmed in the making of this film.

  • It’s the season of joy, peace, and goodwill…unless you live in Bailey Downs. Last Christmas Eve, two teens came to a grisly end in a school basement. Now, one year later, a new set of horrors has come to town. As three friends explore the site of the massacre, a malevolent spirit is determined to keep them there forever. One of the first cops to the scene of the bloody murders has new complications as his seven-year-old son exhibits terrifying and violent behavior. And when a local family seeks reconciliation with an estranged aunt for the wrong reasons, they suddenly find themselves running in terror from Krampus, the demonic anti-Santa Claus. Not even St. Nick is immune to the terror as he fights back against a horde of zombie elves. This is destined to be a holiday no one will ever forget…

If you’re like me, and prefer something a bit more dark and sinister mixed in with your Christmas cheer, then you probably gravitate more towards the Christmas movies that fall under the “horror” section of the movie streaming service that you prefer. I used to say, “Video Store”, but who even remembers those nowadays? Besides us old people. Get off my lawn.

Anyway, there’s been some pretty good Christmas horror movies that have come out this past decade–Rare Exports, Sint, Krampus, Anna And The Apocalypse. One movie that somehow escaped my notice when it first came out in 2015 was A Christmas Horror Story. It came out before the movie Krampus the same year; I recall watching Krampus in the theater, whereas A Christmas Horror Story received a very limited theatrical run, before being released to VOD and DVD shortly thereafter. I had to check it out on VOD, and I’m rather glad I did so.

A Christmas Horror Story is an anthology film that features four short horror stories, all tied together with a wrap-around that features William Shatner as an alcoholic radio DJ pulling a late shift on Christmas telling the tales. I could just stop the review right here, and leave it at “You had me at William Shatner”. But, I’d be remiss if I didn’t go through with the review, here.

So, there are four stories: the first one deals with a bunch of stupid teenagers breaking into their school after hours to check out the place where two fellow students were found murdered a year prior, then they’re terrorized by a bloody ghost (no, I wasn’t going for British slang, the ghost is rather bloody); the second story finds one of the police officers that was involved in the investigation of the murdered students the prior year on administrative leave, deciding to take his wife and son out to chop down a live Christmas tree, only to come home to discover the son was replaced by a changeling; the third story finds a family visiting their elderly–and very rich–aunt for all the wrong reasons, finding themselves terrorized by Krampus; the fourth and final story finds Santa himself discovering that his elves and Mrs. Claus have turned into zombies, and having to take them all down, leading to a final showdown with Krampus…and then a big twist that I won’t go into here, as I want to have you watch this yourself to find out.

Overall: A Christmas Horror Story was a rather enjoyable watch. It his all the cravings I had for the Christmas spirit as well as my love of the horror genre, with the segments done very well, and the wrap-around story and eventual conclusion that tied everything together working very well. William Shatner as a drunken and sullen radio DJ is worth the price of admission alone. But, we also get the original voice of Beast on the 1990s X-Men cartoon playing Santa Claus, which was a good casting choice. Equal parts entertaining and chilling, grab some eggnog, hot chocolate, and Holiday kettle corn, turn down the lights and enjoy some Christmas horror goodness.

Movie Review: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

Leave a comment

santa claus conquers the martiansEmbassy Pictures
1964
NR

“Well, when Voldar ‘accidentally’ left us in the airlock and then came up here and ‘accidentally’ threw the door switch, we knew we had to get out of there in a hurry or that would be the end of us. Eh, uh, ‘accidentally’, of course.”

The first time I watched this classic hilarious-for-all-the-wrong-reasons bit of Holiday Sci-Fi cheese was by way of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode roasting this chestnut. Didn’t matter that it was the middle of summer, or that it was late at night; I was marveling at the sheer awfulness of this movie, and constantly doubled over in laughter from the constant barrage of barbs being slung at this from the MST3K crew.

That was then. And now, nearly twenty years after happening upon that particular episode, I now own the original movie sans the color commentary alongside the MST3K episode. And as many fans of this particular brand of bad movies understand, it’s a holiday tradition that gets shown every year in the annual Christmas movie list.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is so deliciously bad: the ridiculous premise, the thin story, the cheap costumes and sets (this movie is famous for using Wham-O! brand air popper guns for “freeze rays”, and perhaps the worst guy-in-a-polar-bear-suit and cardboard robot I’ve seen this side of The Forbidden Planet), the groan-inducing acting (also featuring the debut of a young Piza Dora), and a theme song that is incredibly annoying yet will become lodged inside your skull. In a certain way, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is the perfect metaphor for the Holiday season, really: you know what you’re experiencing is shoddy and bad, but you can’t help but enjoy yourself despite the goings on. I can’t be the only curmudgeon this time of the year.

Regardless of your take, you owe it to yourself to watch Santa Claus Conquers The Martians at least once. I would recommend the MST3K edition for you newbies out there. For those of us seasoned veterans out there, you know the drill: Grab your friends, keep the eggnog flowing, and sing along with me- “Hor-ray for SAN-TEE-CLAUS!”