sword and the sorcererGroup 1
1982
R

“I will allow you to live as long as you serve me. Betray me, and I will joyfully send you back to rot in hell.”

Ah, the big fantasy genre ‘splosion of the early 80s. There seemed to be so many of these kind of movie back then. Conan The Barbarian, Beastmaster…um, other ones, I guess. Look, even as a young lad, I wasn’t really into the whole fantasy dragons and swords thing. The Dungeons & Dragons cartoon was about as far as I got with any interest in this. Even now, if there’s no other choice to go with, maybe I’ll take in a fantasy tale or whatnot. So you can probably imagine what was going on when I picked The Sword And The Sorcerer to watch.

So, back in the days of yore, a malevolent jerk who wants to be king summons a demonic Richard Moll and proceeded to kill the current king and queen, leaving the son of the king — named Talon — to flee as an orphan with a spring-loaded tri-bladed sword. I wish I was making that up, but no, you read that right. Years pass, and Talon has grown into a mighty rogue warrior with pecks of melons and knees of fringe, adventuring with his horde of equally rogue-like warriors, womanizing and drinking and eating and getting into the odd skirmish and all. He happens to run across the princess — who is betrothed to the guy who killed his royal parents — as she and her brother have been organizing a rebellion against the despot, but haven’t worked on keeping things on the down-low, as it seems everyone and their squire knew about it. So, her brother is imprisoned, and she’s on the run from being captured by the king’s men. After some…negotiating, Talon agrees to lend his tri-bladed Sword of Overcompensation in taking down the king. Things go smashingly…until Talon and his crew are captured and imprisoned in the castle dungeon. It’s then that we learn the king’s eeee-vil plot: Marry the princess, crucify Talon on a giant “X”, and assassinate all of the royalty attending the event, all in one swoop. But then, Talon’s Scoobie Gang are set free by the royal concubines, Talon himself gets himself off of the giant “X”, and there’s a massive swashbuckling battle, wherein the princess battles a giant amorous anaconda (don’t want none) and the king is slain. Talon decides he doesn’t want to claim his rightful place as king, and rides off to more adventure in a sequel that was promised but never happened. Thank goodness for that.

While I’m not exactly the demographic for these type of genre movies, there are certain ones that came out in the 1980s that you have to watch just to experience the magic of Bad Movie Watching. Movies like this one have a special something to them that you can only get from this particular era.

The Sword And The Sorcerer has it all: cheesy acting, low-budget effects, plot beats that will never go over in this day and age, and a story that will bury your WTF Meter in the red more times than you can keep count. Meaning, The Sword And The Sorcerer is prime Bad Movie Nite watching material.