NECRO SHOCK RADIO – Season 13, Session 11

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necro shock radio

NECRO SHOCK RADIO – Season 13, Session 11

Featuring Cuts From: ANTITHESIS, BELIEVER, HAVE MERCY, OPPROBRIUM, PROJECT 86, SIX FEET DEEP, STRONGARM, TROGLODYTE DAWN, UNDEROATH, VOXIS, The WAY SECT BLOOM, WOE OF TYRANTS, XL & DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR, and ZION…

Check it out HERE

::END TRANSMISSION::

Movie Review: KICKIN’ IT OLD SKOOL

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kickin it old skool
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
2007
PG-13

“You and me in the parking lot, mano a mano.”
“You had mono? Well, I was in a coma.”

  • At a talent show in 1986, young Justin Schumacher suffers a head injury and slips into a coma. Twenty years later, Justin awakes with the mindset and experience of a 12-year-old. He decides to reunite the members of his former dance team and revive their short-lived careers.

Jamie Kennedy isn’t really a name that a lot of people recognize when it’s brought up in discussions about comedy television and movies. Well, maybe that sequel of The Mask immediately comes to mind, but mostly because that movie was such a stink-bomb that it’s hard to forget such a stench. Before that, he was in the Scream movies, and also a hidden camera prank show that pre-dated the more famous show Punk’d by about a year, on the WB, called The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Personally, I rather enjoyed the show. And not because I couldn’t watch Punk’d for not having cable, either.

Anyway, when it comes to his movies, I never really go beyond a “well, I have nothing better to do” level of enthusiasm. It was the same when I came across this movie he did back in 2007, Kickin’ It Old Skool. I was never aware of its existence until the streaming site’s algorithm recommended it to me due to a handful of comedy movies I watched on it prior. Yeah, it seemed like your standard wacky culture-shock type movie, but I reasoned that it couldn’t be that bad. Besides, I had some time to kill while I was getting ready to head out to church that Sunday morning.

So, at an annual middle school talent show, 12-year-old Justin “Rocketshoe” Shumacher is breakdancin’ wit’ his crew, the Funky Fresh Boyz (which includes Darnell “Prince Def Rock” Jackson, Aki “Chilly Chill” Terasaki, and Hector “Popcorn” Jimenez), against the obnoxious rich kid trope Kip Unger and his crew, when Justin goes for an untested dangerous headspin maneuver that ends up flipping him off the stage and into a coma. Flash forward twenty years later, and Justin (Jamie Kennedy) is still in his coma, and the hospital administrators are about to pull the plug due to things looking grim for ever recovering at this point. However, Justin is miraculously revived by the Herbie Hancock electro classic “Rockit” playing from a janitor’s radio, and he goes home with his parents. It’s painfully obvious that, although he’s now in his 30s, he still operates with a 12-year-old’s mentality, and he’s having a bit of trouble not only bouncing back from his severely deteriorated physical condition, but adjusting to the equally severe culture shock after 20 years have passed him by. Also, his parents are bankrupt due to 20 years of life support payments. He discovers that his middle school crush Jennifer is now engaged to that rich douchenozzle Kip (Michael Rosenbaum!), who just happens will be, through the miracle of plot contrivance, hosting a breakdance contest that will be broadcast on national television, with a grand prize of $100,000. Figuring this will help him pay back his parents, Justin starts planning getting his old crew back together. Problem is, as stated earlier, they’ve all moved on with their lives: Darnell is a toy store employee and a failed inventor, Aki is an accountant and has shed his Asian stereotype, and Hector is a meter maid. It takes some doing (and the prospect of 1/10th of a million dollars), but the Funky Fresh Boyz are back! And really, really rusty. So they practice to get their Funky Fresh moves back, at one point utilizing a toy I remember selling at Radio Shack. In the meantime, Kip is hoping to not let Justin’s crew win, so he hires the Iced Cole Crew to not only compete in the dance contest, but also to play with Justin’s head like a drunken kitten. Which works, resulting in Justin quiting the crew in a fit of existential meltdown, leading the rest of the Funky Fresh Boyz to bring on a homeless guy to round out the team to continue on in the competition. Surprisingly, this works, and the FFBz advance to the final square-off with the Iced Cole Crew. Then, like clockwork, Jennifer realizes what a jerk Kip really is, breaks off their engagement, and finds Justin to give him the rousing inspirational speech to cause him to go back and dance with the Boyz. Will Justin be able to overcome his insecurities and the specter of his greatest defeat in 1986, and lead his team to victory? *pffft* Of course he does. The end.

I guess there are worse comedy movies to watch than Kickin’ It Old Skool. Freddie Got Fingers pops immediately to mind. As does Dumb And Dumberer. But, I still have to say that, here we have a movie that I lowered my expectations to the point where a dachhund could easily jump over, and I still felt like my time was wasted by watching this movie. This is probably the first instance where I felt embarrassed for David Hasselhoff for having to cameo in this movie. He deserves better.

All the jokes in Kickin’ It Old Skool rely a bit too heavily on 80s nostalgia, almost to the point where one has to wonder if someone sat up and watched all of the VH1 “I Love The 80s” episodes with a legal pad and jotting down all of the comedians’ riffing on the pop culture of the era. I found myself cringing more than anything, and I don’t recall anything even resembling a simple chuckle coming from me at any time. I have to say, though, the best thing about Kickin’ It Old Skool is, in fact, Michael Rosenbaum. He does seem like he’s having a blast. And I will say that the soundtrack is pretty cool, speaking as a child of the 80s.

Overall, while I’ve definitely seen worse comedies than Kickin’ It Old Skool, and this certainly isn’t the worst thing Jamie Kennedy has been involved in, I do realize why I wasn’t even aware of its existence until just now, when Amazon Prime spoiled my pristine ignorance by offering me the glistening shiny apple of mediocrity. You won’t be missing anything by skipping this one.

Movie Review: DOGHOUSE

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doghouse
MPI Home Video
2009
NR

“When we get to the country, we are gonna piss up all the trees, to mark our territory. Then we are gonna find a pub and get so drunk we can’t remember how to speak. And we’ll communicate in grunts like neanderthals, before passing out in the woods.”

  • Six men with mid-life anxiety set out for a weekend in the country in an attempt to reconnect with their masculinity. What they find is a catastrophe so horrible and bizarre that a mid-life crisis turns out to be exactly what they need to survive it.

Hey, look! Another zombie comedy from the UK! I love those! Let’s check it out!

So, a group of guys decide to take a “guys’ weekend” to help their friend Vince deal with his depression over his recent divorce. It kinda helps that they all seem to have women problems of their own, there. So they hire a minibus to drive them out to a remote village called Moodley, where the women allegedly outnumber the men 4 to 1. Only, when they arrive there, the village seems deserted…at first. Then, after a bit of a skuffle involving a teenaged girl and a soldier, they discover that all the women have been infected with a biological agent that turns them all into cannibals that only eat men. Next thing you know, they’re all beset upon by the infected women of the village, causing them to scatter and hide out at various locations, eventually happening upon the military command center, where they discover that a local politician had been involved with the distribution of the toxin disguised as a biological washing powder. Oh, and the zombified cannibal women are evolving into “Phase 2” monsters that are faster and more intelligent. And the only weapon that was designed to stop the zombies isn’t working properly. A bloody battle to survive and the requisite existential quandary moments ensue, leading to an ending that doesn’t exactly resolve much of anything. The end.

Shaun Of The Dead, this movie isn’t. Yeah, you’d be forgiven for automatically making the comparison going into the movie, seeing as that little Edgar Wright zom-rom-com classic is now the watermark to judge all UK zombie comedies. I went in wanting to like Doghouse, as it’s a British zombie comedy, and it co-stars one of the more underrated Doctor Who companions (Noel Clarke!). And while Doghouse does have the standard requisite situational comedy and witty dialogue you come to expect from these flicks, what brings this down for me is the high levels of cynicism and blatant misogyny of the story itself. It may be tongue-in-cheek satire, but it comes off as a bit too mean spirited to be brushed off as fun.

Overall, while Doghouse has a good premise and some rather good effects going, with a script that keeps things going at a good clip, in the end, this seems to be a movie that was done by someone who maybe was turned down for a date in high school and never got over it.

Movie Review: 3022

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3022

Saban Films
2019
R

“It was so nice when we got here. We were happy. Richard was showering.”

  • Halfway through a 10-year mission, a group of astronauts become unstable, overcome by the isolation of deep space. While they prepare to return home, Earth is hit by a catastrophic event. the haunting emptiness of space becomes the least of their concerns as they fight to survive against unforeseen threats.

I seem to be inadvertently going through watching a bunch of actual good science fiction movies as of late. I assure you, this was not intentional; as a matter of fact, I came across this particular movie–3022–as a recently released rental title on the Family Video website. I never heard of this ever being shown in theaters, and preliminary reports stating that this was a low-budget sci-fi movie, one that stars the likes of Omar Epps and a former Nickelodeon child star. Mind you, I understand that a low budget does not a cheesy bad sci-fi movie make. But, I thought I’d check it out, going by the video blurb alone, and see what it’s all about.

So, it’s the year 2190, and humans have now colonized an off-world settlement on the Jupiter moon of Europa. Anyone who has read 2010: Odyssey Two knows that this might be a bad idea, but whatev’s. Serving as kind of a way-station between Earth and Europa is the space station Pangea, named after the super-continent that existed during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras (man, this is already knee-deep in the nerd references). We come in with the arrival of four astronauts onto the station–Captain John Laine (Omar Epps!), medical doctor Richard Valin (Angus Macfadyen!), a former Nickelodeon child star (Miranda Cosgrove!) and Jackie Miller (Kate Walsh!)–as they embark on a 10-year mission to explore strange, new worlds wander about inside the station and smoke a lot. I’m not kidding–all of ’em seem to smoke like chimneys on a freaking space station. You know, a place where there’s several pressurized gasses utilized that could combust easily? I can not begin to imagine how nasty that living situation was, I don’t care how advanced the air filtration system is. And this is coming from a former chain smoker of several years who still dreams of pulling on that sweet, sweet Carolina smoke. *ahem* Anyway, after a montage of them interacting for five years, the Captain fails his psych evaluation, meaning that, since he is unfit for duty, they are all considered unfit, so now they all have to ship back to Earth and be replaced half-way through their mission. This makes the others understandably grumpy. Fortunately, though, they receive a respite that allows them all to remain on the station indefinitely! Unfortunately, that’s because Earth just happened to blow up shortly after the psych evaluation, the resulting shock wave doing damage to the station itself, and everyone mistaking the charred husk of our former home as a comet at first. Nickelodeon Lady dies from a cerebral hemorrhage due to being knocked around by the wave blast, then the doctor goes completely insane and blasts himself out of the air lock (he was wearing a space suit, so at least he had some time to enjoy the view of nothing-ness). Captain John and Jackie aren’t doing much better themselves, but then they get a visit from a derelict shuttle coming from Europa, with three surviving French astronauts joining the remaining two. And then things really get crazy. The Frenchies are friendly at first, but then loose their collective baguettes after learning that there’s only enough resources to keep everyone alive for a couple of days and manage to kill themselves, and then the space station blows in half, with the Captain on one half and Jackie on the other, with the Captain vowing to go get her, but the shuttle it broken, and it seems to take him 3022 entries in the journal (we have ourselves a title!) before he’s able to end the movie with more questions than answers.

For what it is, 3022 is a pretty decent science fiction movie. It definitely falls within the whole Isolated Astronaut Faces Existential Crisis and Possible Madness line, something that’s really highlighted by the claustrophobic setting and stark cinema style of the film making. All the actors were great in their roles, really nailing the melancholic loneliness that comes with being isolated in space for five years, with five more years of the same to look forward to.

One of the major complaints I have read about the film was not showing everything that was going on, like what that big flash was and what actually happened to the Earth. Personally, I think that actually works in the movie’s favor, showing only the reaction of the crew to whatever it was that happened outside in their field of vision. The brain can fill in the blanks, and for me it was truly more horrific than what they eventually did show with the Earth blowing up…and this is one of my complaints about the movie. The CGI is not good. Not complete garbage, but PlayStation 3 cut scene level, especially with the fire effects. Also, and I can’t harp on this enough, but WHY WAS EVERYONE SMOKING?!? Two hundred years in the future, and nobody vapes anymore? I’m not a proponent of vaping, but I’m sure that’s better than having an open flame in something that uses compressed oxygen and various other gasses. It really took me out of the movie.

Overall, though, I found 3022 to be not too bad. I like the ambiguity and the questions it leaves unanswered (Was the station a refuel station? A message relay station? If it was between Earth and Jupiter’s moons, was this placed somewhere near Mars, or the asteroid belt? What blew up the Earth? Did they spend years apart? WHY WERE THEY ALL SMOKING?). Mind you, the best way to watch it is late at night, with the lights out and possibly sleep deprivation. Recommended.

Book Review: FULL THOTTLE

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full throttle
Joe Hill
William Morrow
2019

Hey! A new Joe Hill book! Don’t mind if I do.

Here we have yet another collection of short stories by Mr. Hill, which follows the collection of novellas that came out a couple of years prior. Like that one, I snagged my copy of Full Throttle through my Kindle, rather than cluttering up my very limited living space with the physical edition. And like the other Joe Hill books, I managed to devour Full Throttle in short order. Let’s see what we got here, shall we?

“THROTTLE” (with Stephen King)
A biker gang, stopping at a truck stop after a drug deal gone horribly wrong, inadvertently run afoul of a vengeful truck driver that may or may not have had a link to one of the victims… This story kicks off the collection, and it’s a nice Dual-type thriller that doesn’t end well. Good way to start, this is…

“DARK CAROUSEL”
A guy named Paul recounts the time in the mid-1990s when he and his friends, one magical evening at a boardwalk carnival in their hometown, provoked a terror that has followed him to this day. Thanks for making me afraid of big, fancy carousel merry-go-rounds, Joe. My one last bastion of innocence and sanity, and now it’s gone…

“WOLVERTON STATION”
A high-level management businessman from America nicknamed “The Woodcutter” is in England helping to open a coffee shop franchise in London, when he discovers that one of the towns he is passing through is populated by anthropomorphic wolves. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere, I think…

“BY THE SILVER WATER OF LAKE CHAMPLAIN”
One misty morning, a couple of children playing on the sandy shore of Lake Champlain come across what just might be the carcass of a creature that is rumored to live in the lake itself…or it just might be their over-active imaginations. This is one of those stories that makes you continually wonder if what the kids are seeing is real, or if it was all colored by their fantastic imaginations superimposed on the world. Even the ending doesn’t help that part out. Well done, this one…

“FAUN”
Here’s a story that dares to ask the question, What if someone found one of those mystical passages to Narnia from our world…and then turned part of Narnia into a hunting preserve? Exactly what you would expect would happen, actually. Fantastic story, this one. More than once, I found myself widening my eyes at the story unfolding before me, and going “whoa”, either out loud or to myself (my work mates already think I’m batty the way it is)…

“LATE RETURNS”
After his parents’ suicide, a former truck driver takes a part-time job driving the hometown library’s Bookmobile, where he discovers the ghosts of former patrons returning overdue books, and he himself can maybe do something good for them…or, maybe create a grandfather paradox by mistake. Oh, yeah, this was a good one. Kind of a heartfelt ghost story with some time travel shenanigans thrown in for taste…

“ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOU”
In a futuristic society, a just-turned-16-year-old girl celebrates her birthday by renting a robot helper for an hour, has an existential discussion with it, crashes a 13-year-old’s swank birthday party, among other things. Here’s something more of a pulp sci-fi flavored tale, proving Hill’s chops in other genres rather than horror and dark fantasy…

“THUMBPRINT”
A discharged PFC who is now working at the bar in her hometown starts receiving unmarked envelopes containing a sheet of paper with a thumbprint on them. First in her mailbox, then within her house, until she finally gets to meet the person behind these cryptic notes. Gotta say, this was a very good, very effective story that takes a look inside the head of a former soldier who was damaged psychologically from the war and doing not-nice things to others as a civilian, then suddenly finding herself in the cross-hairs of someone who was even more damaged from war…

“THE DEVIL ON THE STAIRCASE”
A boy living in very late 19th Century Italy in a mountain village accessible only by way of a network of staircases carved into the cliffs has a bit of trouble and hides out on a staircase he’s never seen before, which leads somewhere he’s never knew existed, and gets a special gift from a creepy child that may or may not be the child of the Devil. There’s a note from the author after this story that mentions that this story was originally arranged in a way that the paragraphs resembled steps, but since I got the electronic edition, it was set all normal-looking. Eh, decent story any way you read it…

“TWITTERING FROM THE CIRCUS OF THE DEAD”
Written entirely as a series of Twitter messages from a bored and angsty teenage girl on vacation with her family, from the snowy mountains of Colorado back to their home in California; they stop at an out-of-the-way roadside circus attraction that features zombies as the main attraction. Yeah, it seems gimmicky, but the way this story makes your brain fill in the blanks from the limited characters used in each Tweet here gets the job done with freaking you out. Great story, this…

“MUMS”
A 13-year-old boy in a very dysfunctional farm family plants some special flowers around his mother’s grave, which eventually start telling him to, you know, do some bad stuff. See, this story is a perfect example of how Hill can take the Unreliable Narrator style and twist the story enough to really throw you off effectively…

“IN THE TALL GRASS” (with Stephen King)
A family stops at a rest area, where they hear cries of help coming from the titular tall grass off the road, and of course they go in to help. Mind- and Time-bendy-wendy things ensue from there. The other story collected here that was written with Stephen King; I actually read this a couple of years ago by way of my Google Book account, buying the novella by itself. It was haunting and mind-bending then, and here it is reprinted, thereby negating my need to write a separate blog post. And no, I haven’t watched the movie adaptation yet…

“YOU ARE RELEASED”
Here we have several people aboard an airplane during a cross-country flight–a young business man, an older actress, a mother and her inquisitive daughter, the pilot and co-pilot, a flight attendant, an uptight liberal-minded guy, a rotund Make ‘Murica Great Again good ol’ boy and his wife, and a young MIT student–and each of their reactions to an unscheduled interruptions to all of their plans due to the start of World War III while they’re still in the air. This is a great story to end the collection, as it offers a fascinating POV shot from various different points of view of a crisis and how they internalize things…

Am I beginning to sound like a broken record by saying that Full Throttle is a great collection of short stories? I know, it’s not very becoming of an online critic to come into something already wanting to like it. I, however, never claimed to be a proper pop culture critic; and while I do have kind of a child-like naivete concerning wanting to like something I read, the vast majority of Joe Hill’s literary output have never disappointed since picking up a mass market paperback copy of Heart Shaped Box back in the day. All of the stories here were really effective on many levels, and managed to blend and play with several genre and writing styles to offer more than just bland same-old, same-old. Fans of horror, fantasy, dark fantasy, urban fantasy, science fiction and hard-boiled thrillers will find something to like in this collection. Highly Recommended.

Book Review: The GHOST FILES

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ghost files 1
Apryl Baker
Limitless Publishing
2013

  • Cherry blossom lipstick: check. Smokey eyes: check. Skinny jeans: check. Dead kid in the mirror: check. For sixteen year old Mattie Hathaway, this is her normal everyday routine. She’s been able to see ghosts since her mother tried to murder her when she was five years old. No way does she want anyone to know she can talk to spooks. Being a foster kid is hard enough without being labeled a freak too. Normally, she just ignores the ghosts and they go away. That is until she see’s the ghost of her foster sister… Sally. Everyone thinks Sally’s just another runaway, but Mattie knows the truth—she’s dead. Murdered. Mattie feels like she has to help Sally, but she can’t do it alone. Against her better judgment, she teams up with a young policeman, Officer Dan, and together they set out to discover the real truth behind Sally’s disappearance. Only to find out she’s dealing with a much bigger problem, a serial killer, and she may be the next victim… Will Mattie be able to find out the truth before the killer finds her?

The second e-book I read from the cluster of free Kindle horror books I downloaded (as mentioned in my article for The House Next Door), The Ghost Files was one of those books that, in hindsight, was probably not intended for my particular reading demographic. But, it was free. So I read it. And thus, I am reviewing it.

As with the other authors in the Kindle Kluster (see what I did there?), I was unfamiliar with Apryl Baker. Her biography at the end of this book–as well as on her blog–doesn’t really inform much, and kind of goes for the Lisa Frank style of whimsical fluff, but in word form. Yep. Modern Young Adult author. A peak at her entry at the Internet Speculative Fiction Database shows she’s been publishing since 2011, with the Ghost Files series starting up in 2013 and already five-ish volumes in.

Let’s take a look at the first book in that series: The Ghost Files.

In this first outing, we meet 16-year-old Mattie Hathaway, a foster child who is getting ready for a party. Within the first few paragraphs, we’re clued in to the fact that Mattie can see ghosts, as one appears behind her in the mirror she’s grooming in. Apparently, Mattie’s been able to do this since she was a young child–5, as a matter of fact–so she just ignores the specter and heads off with her boyfriend to the party. But then, after encountering the ghost of her foster sister–who was alive and talking with here not even an hour or so beforehand–she’s shocked to learn that there might be a serial killer targeting foster children. Getting some help from the dreamy 20-something policeman and the ghosts of the victims, she’s getting close to figuring out who the killer is…and she’s not going to like the answer to that mystery, or even survive…

For a YA novel, the story with The Ghost Files wasn’t all that bad. Mind you, it had its flaws: while not necessarily a full-blown Mary Sue character, it does seem that all the boys wanna git wit’ sweet Mattie. This includes the 20-year-old policeman who more or less declares his love for, I have to point this out, this 16-year-old girl. A girl who, when she’s not going on with the mystery and the trials and tribulations of a foster child, actually stops the narrative to fawn over the hot guys she comes across. She even gets the hots for a ghost of a boy. Again, I realize I may not be the demographic for this genre (even back when I was the right age for this type of book, I was cutting my horror fiction teeth on Stephen King and Clive Barker, so I may have a bit more of a disadvantage), but it seems more than a bit arbitrary, really.

On the plus side, though, once we get past the fact that I more or less guessed the big twist reveal before I finished the fist chapter, The Ghost Files does manage to end on a satisfactory note. Sure, there was the obvious sequel bait (this is an ongoing series, after all), but at least the ending didn’t tie everything up in a nice neat package where everything works out in the end. Mattie is a tragic hero, here.

Overall: While there were points where I found myself rolling my eyes at the parts that were clearly not written for my particular demographic, this first volume of The Ghosts Files held my attention with a pretty good supernatural mystery that had some spine-chilling moments. It did prompt me to get a few more volumes in the series when the chance presented itself. Worth a look-see.

Movie Review: TO CATCH A YETI

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TO CATCH A YETI
Dandelion Productions
1995
PG

  • A hunter known as Big Jake is hired to catch the fabled Yeti, which is loose in the streets of the Big Apple. But after encountering the mythic beast, Jake discovers that the Yeti is a furry, cuddly creature. So, when he is forced to hand the Yeti over to the spoiled scion of a millionaire New Yorker, Jake teams up with a little girl to prevent the Yeti from falling into wicked hands.

Just so you know, I was only able to snag the movie blurb that I normally get off of the back of a DVD cover from the one that Amazon Prime used on their site. For whatever reason, they decided to blatantly lie to us. Big Jake (played by Meat Loaf) is not the hero here. He stays the bad guy and never teams up with the girl in this movie. LIARS! You lied on the internet, Amazon Prime! Nobody does that!

[pause for laughter]

Anyway, I came across this made-for-TV movie on my streaming service, once again searching for something to while away the time while bedridden from what was ailing me at the time. It boasted Meat Loaf–singer, actor, He-Who-Would-Do-Anything-For-Love (but he won’t to “that”, whatever “that” is)–in the starring role. I figured, why not? I loved him in Fight Club. And let’s not forget his defining moment in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Also, there was something that looked like a melting Furby on the cover, which made me morbidly curious. I figured, what have I got to lose?

Well, apparently an hour and 35 minutes of my life that I will never, ever get back.

So basically, we have Meat Loaf starring as a wildlife poacher named Big Jake Grizzly tracking the elusive Yeti in the Himalayas. He’s doing so because a really rich guy wants to get one for his ultra-spoiled brat son. The joke is that the Yeti, despite having really huge feet, is only about a foot tall. Hence the Furby reference. They try to go for a big-eyed adorable look for that critter, but it really comes off more as an ABOMINATION UNTO NATURE, with a fixed look on his face that will haunt your nightmares for months. Seriously, those mechanized eyes will stare straight through your soul, unblinking, until you go mad. Also, they don’t walk or run, as they do ski around on those grossly disproportionate feet of theirs. Anyway, the Yeti eludes the clutches of Big Jake by stowing away in the luggage of a tourist that happened to be camping in the area, and inadvertently gets a free trip back to upstate New York, where the tourist’s daughter discovers the furball of the damned and makes it her pet. Big Jake manages to track the Yeti down and finally captures the thing, bringing it to the rich patron in New York City and to the hands of the most punchable young boy you will ever encounter in your life. So now the daughter of the tourist guy decides to go to New York City herself to rescue her new friend, and mind-numbing dull wackiness and poor attempts at slapstick ensue.

Gads. It’s movies like this that make me want to rethink my life choices. Yeah, I’m always down for an enjoyably bad movie. Mind you, the operative word in that phrase is “enjoyable”, and that is something To Catch A Yeti is not. This has all the tension and action of a 1990s TGIF sitcom, and about the same level of quality in both the acting and settings used. Meat Loaf, bless his heart, at least seems aware of the kind of movie he’s in, but that doesn’t change the fact that he could do so, so much better. And he has, if you’re familiar with his big screen rolls after this thing. Considering he just made a massive musical comeback just a couple of years prior, I don’t know if he was trying to ride on that success, or if this was more of a situation where the rent was due and the residuals for Bat Out Of Hell II were beginning to dwindle a bit. And did I mention the nightmare fuel that animatronic Yeti is? How this design wasn’t included in the 5 Nights At Freddy’s game series, I don’t know. And then we’re treated to an entire family of them at the end. *shiver*

Overall: Yeah, don’t bother watching this movie. There are plenty more other cheesy TV movies from the 1990s that you can choose from and be much more entertained by.

Movie Review: DEATH PROMISE

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death promise
Howard Mahler
1977
R

  • An apartment dweller goes on a search-and-destroy mission to kill the ruthless landlords who murdered his father.

Hoooo, boy. I have to admit that I’m not very well versed with the whole Kung-Fu Exploitation flicks from the 1970s. But, if they’re anything like 1977’s Death Promise, I really have to check some more of these type of flicks out.

The story of Death Promise is your standard Rich Evil Guy Shenanigans > Kills Father Of Kung-Fu Enthusiast > Kung-Fu Enthusiast Vows Revenge > Training & Gathering Up Posse Montage > Wacky Over-The-Top Kung Fu Battles Ensue flow. I had a blast watching this movie unfold before my eyes. Death Promise ticks off all the check points on the list: Dodgy acting, awful editing, cheep funk music, contrast issues with the film, really badly choreographed fight scenes and poorly staged scenes. Several minutes of the fight scenes are dedicated to the combatants standing there doing that hand-waving, “HOOOoooOOOOOooOOOAH” thing that I’m sure they think is intimidating and manly, but comes off as laugh-out-loud hilarious each and every time. And everybody does this. Of course they’re trying to pattern our hero after the immortal Bruce Lee, but he’s lacking the speed, agility and charisma. Which only adds to the unintentional hilarity.

I probably had more fun than I expected watching a low-budget grindhouse flick that didn’t involve vampires, space aliens or anything horror-related. Really, you should check this out this hunk of cinematic cheese for yourself.

October 27, 2019

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NecRoSarX Chronicles Header

Then the glory of the Lord rose from above the cherubim and moved to the threshold of the temple. The cloud filled the temple, and the court was full of the radiance of the glory of the Lord. The sound of the wings of the cherubim could be heard as far away as the outer court, like the voice of God Almighty when he speaks. – Ezekiel 10:4-5

Sunday again. The two nephews stayed the night at the grandparents’ house; my mother and I picked them up, then we swung through Fremont so I could deposit my check into my bank account,, then picked up some items at WalMart, then headed back to mom’s place. Tyler said something that made soda come out of her nose.

Friday’s doctor appointment had the doctor put me on a diet to lose some weight. He figures that may be the cause of my blood sugar spiking. So now I’m counting calories as well as carbs. He also increased my long acting insulin both mourning and evening.

Why couldn’t I just get cancer like everybody else in my family?

In other news, I’m going to be tested for colon cancer. See why I’m bleeding from my anus so much.

You fear the sword, and the sword is what I will bring against you, declares the Sovereign Lord. – Ezekiel 11:8

And you will know that I am the Lord, for you have not followed my decrees or kept my laws but have conformed to the standards of the nations around you.” – Ezekiel 11:12

Lord Jesus, be with Jessica and her family as she is going through this time of sorrow from the loss of her dad; I can understand the pain she may be going through right now.

Communion. “Come Union.” Partaking of the remembrance of the sacrifice God’s Son made on the cross on our behalf, by the consumption of His flesh and His blood, as symbolized through the bread and the wine.

God loves you too much to leave you the same way to came to Him.

::END TRANSMISSION::

Vinyl Confessions – 70s CLASSIC ROCK

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aerosmith - get your wings
AEROSMITH – Get Your Wings
aerosmith - live bootleg
AEROSMITH – Live Bootleg
…when it comes to Aerosmith, although I discovered them in the mid-80s initially, exploring their back catalogue has lead me to perfer their raw, bluesy 1970s output over anything they put out after Pump back in 1989. These two especially sound great, with Get Your Wings being something of an underrated classic, and Live Bootleg being a great live recording of the band.
eagles - greatest hits
EAGLES – Greatest Hits
…I would suspect that The Dude from The Big Lebowski and I wouldn’t get along too well, as I tend to lean towards being a casual fan of The Eagles. Not enough to kick him out of the cab; I’ve only owned the two Greatest Hits packages they’ve put out back in the day. This one is my second favorite of the two.
led zepplin iv
LED ZEPPELIN – IV
…okay, sure, there’s the accusations of massive plagurism by the band over the years, and I would tend to agree that “Stairway To Heaven” is overplayed ad nausium, but you have to admit that this album rocks from front to back. Also, this was the first Led Zeppelin album that I owned back when I was 16, so there’s the nostalgia factor.

::END TRANSMISSION::

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