Today, my biological odometer rolled over to 50. The big 5-0. Halfway to 100.
In ancient times, I would be considered freakishly old, and, I don’t know, suspected of having made a pact with the devil to live this long.
I have been through some rough things through this time on Earth: parents divorce, death of loved ones, struggles with mental illness, the Star Wars Holiday Special.
I have failed more times than I am comfortable admitting to. I’m hyper-aware of those I’ve hurt along the way, either by accident, or otherwise. And because of my mental condition, not a day goes by where I’m not spending hours replaying these memories with alternate takes, just to see if there was a more favorable outcome that could have been. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over these.
But, I also have good memories. Personal triumphs. I have witnessed and experienced some great things: the first time I truly experienced music and how it can move me, and cause me to feel things like nothing else can or will. My family bonds are strong, both my natural family and the surrogate family that I had met along the way.
Thinking back, it’s fascinating how things can flip over time; the things I used to be passionate about and thought were incredibly important in life are no longer of much concern for me, and vice-versa. I’m so very glad I didn’t end up peaking in either High School or college. And, there are the things that were important then, and only intensified in importance over the decades: I remain a voracious reader, something that was instilled in me at a very young age by not only my parents, but also grandparents and aunts, and encouraged by the grade school and high school teachers. Now, I’m a writer myself, with several writers and authors I consider friends that encourage and help to sharpen each others’ skills.
I have learned the importance of forgiveness, and learning from the scars. I’ve had to break off a few relationships, but I have no one I consider my enemy (despite those that may consider me their enemy for whatever reason). Finally learning how a wise person forgives, but doesn’t forget is a hard one, but will bring more peace than holding on to animosity. It’s not easy, and definitely not a sign of weakness to forgive and move on.
Most importantly, I put my faith in Jesus when I was 15; that means I’ve been a Christian for almost 35 years now, over twice as long as I was not a Christian. During that time, the journey has been rough at times, but I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I have poured over the Scriptures many times, having been given the hunger and desire to read the Bible and study it thoroughly almost immediately after trusting Jesus, and I can honestly say after 35 years, I have barely scratched the surface of my journey. There will be many blog posts about the many aspects of my journey as a Christian, as well as brain droppings and such, but I will say this: the people that I have met and will meet, the close friendships of both Christian and non-Christians alike, have been gifts from God, and have enriched me beyond anything I can even put to words.
So, here’s to turning 50. I don’t know how much longer I have in this world, and quite frankly I do adhere to the Apostle Paul’s assertion that I’d rather be dead, but there are benefits to still being alive*. Until then, if you’re reading this, thanks for accompanying me on this journey, if even for a brief time.
Now then, off to cram 50 candles on a cupcake and light ‘em up.
::END TRANSMISSION::
[*the actual quote is “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21), but that was my own personal paraphrase]
Confessions Of A Christian Freak 