MAN-THINGLions Gate Films
2005
R

“I believe I don’t wanna die, sheriff.”

The new sheriff hadn’t been in the Everglade backwater town of Bywater for more than ten minutes when he finds himself investigating the deaths of some of the local yokels. While investigating, the poor sap runs into crazy Native Americans, a hot 3rd grade teacher who moonlights as an ecological activist, swamp-dwelling rednecks, corrupt oil drillers…and a big green walking vegetable who’s been offing these people by making that raped-by-a-tree scene in Evil Dead look like a tender romance…

I’m going to pause for a moment to give you all time to stop giggling at the childish innuendo of the title. Go ahead, get it out of your system…

…you done yet? No? Too bad…

First off, I’m going to flex my uber-geek muscles a bit, and give y’all a little schooling into the history of Marvel’s Man-Thing:

The first Man-Thing story, written by Gerry Conway, introduced Ted Sallis, a scientist who was working in an isolated cabin in the Everglades to re-create the “super-soldier serum” that had turned Steve Rogers into Captain America. Like Bruce Banner, Sallis cared nothing about the potentially immoral uses to which the military might put his serum; this was the sin that brought on his fate. Betrayed by his girlfriend to spies, Sallis injected himself with the serum to prevent them from getting it. In the ensuing struggle, Sallis was hurled into the swamp, where the serum interacted with the murky water and muck, causing him to mutate into a mindless, ghastly monster. [MARVEL UNIVERSE, page 148]

…and as to Man-Thing’s abilities:

The Man-Thing is man reduced to his essentials, and then reduced even further than that. He is an empath, one who can sense the emotions of others and is pained by the presence of hatred, violent anger, and, worst of all, fear. The Man-Thing will act to protect the innocent, although clearly not knowing why. But on sensing strong negative emotions, the Man-Thing will attempt to put an end to them, even if it means killing the perpetrator; as the narrator solemnly states in each story, “Whoever knows fear burns at the Man-Thing’s touch.” [MARVEL UNIVERSE, page 148-149]

After reviewing that, I would think it’s safe to say that the only thing the movie Man-Thing has in common with the comic its based on is the title. Here, the title character is obviously more of a protector of the eco system, rather than a mindless monster that protects the innocent from evil and turns the fear of those who would do harm back onto themselves. Well, there was a Ted Sallis, who was one of the drillers on the oil rig, and obviously now he’s the walking salad bar that’s killing off all the big bad oil drillers and everyone else who gets in his way. If there’s a stereotype in this movie that wasn’t touched on, I missed it. You got the corrupt and evil southern oil baron with his “it took me three times to gadgeate the sixth grade” henchmen, the beautiful and obvious love interest that’s ecologically minded (and can’t hold a southern accent if it meant her life), the local Native Americans who all seem to just be mystical kooks (for once, I’d like to see a movie with a Native American in it that wasn’t that way…name him Bud, with his big mystical trick being able to conjure up coffee in the morning), even more kooky redneck swamp dwellers who looked like they crawled out of a Garth Ennis comic, not to mention just about every “We’re looking for a strange thing in a swamp” horror trick in the book. Style-wise, Man-Thing is alright, using lighting to a good advantage. You don’t see the full monster until about an hour into it, which works…then you realize that the monster design is a cross between Swamp Thing and the alien from Species. Then, of course, the Man-Thing goes away after the swamp is now safe. Boo, hiss…

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “That’s great, but I never read the comics. Is this movie worth seeing on its own?” Let me put it this way- there’s a reason why they decided to forgo the theatrical release and have it shown on Sci-Fi before shipping it straight to DVD. And we all know what great masterpieces of sci-fi and horror that the Sci-Fi Channel churns out on an hourly basis…

So, if you’re looking for a faithful adaptation of the Marvel comic, stay away. If you’re not into comics but looking for a worthwhile monster flick, you can do better. If you’re looking for a cheep thrill involving a throwaway plot and paste together characters, go for it.